Today will never come again

I am a morning person.  I wake up and I am ready to go.  Even if what I have to look forward to doesn't seem all that exciting, I am up and ready to face the day.  I love love love mornings!
For some this can be an annoying fact.  For those who like to sleep in, I apologize for my morning excitement.  I guess I am thinking about all the things the day might hold and I get out of bed and make my coffee in anticipation.
So, I sit here with my coffee this morning, a little earlier than normal.  I had a hard time sleeping last night.  It is never good to receive bad news from a friend.  And, it is even harder to get the news before bed.  And the question weighing heavy on my heart is this:  Why do we wait until we hear/experience something life altering to WAKE UP and make today count?  If each day is a gift, I am the first to admit, I have let more than a few pass by without giving thanks.  And, well, let's just say some days I may even dread...and when bedtime rolls around, I am extremely relieved the day is over and whatever it was I had to face is now checked off the list.  But what if there wasn't a tomorrow?  What if today is THE day.  The day where we are supposed to make every moment count because it could be our last?
Hard to even comprehend for me.  But today, I am going to try a little experiment.  I am going to try and take today and make it count.  Every moment of it.  I am going to make sure all of my interactions with others are exactly as I would want them to be if today was my last.  I am going to make sure those around me know how much I love them.  I am going to be thankful for my health.  For my family.  And, I am going to keep a certain family in my thoughts and prayers all day long.  For what they are facing today is far more difficult than my struggles today.
And, I am going to challenge you, my dear reader.  If today were your last, what would you do?  And though you may not be able to do exactly what you would do if it were your last, what about trying to treat others as if it were your last?
Let's try it and see what happens.  And let's not forget to believe.

Lessons from my one year old Munchkin

Photo credits to the Amazingly Talented Heather Sippel.  She made Little Eastyn's birthday extra special with her photography.


It's mid afternoon and I am blogging.  In the quiet.  This, for any mother with four kids, is unheard of.  I am giddy like I was as a teenager when I would get to drive my dad's convertible with the top down on a sunny day.  My how life has changed.  So the wind might not be blowing through my hair but I am blessed to be sitting in the peace and quiet allowing my thoughts to flow freely.
Now, you may be seeing the title of this blog and if you don't have kids, you may be wondering if there is anything you can get out of it.  But, the fact is, there's more than a few things this little person has taught me.  Some are motherly lessons and some are just about life.

1. When you are ready to do something, do it.  This little one was quite comfortable in her space.  She came when she was good and ready and NO ONE was going to rush her out of her comfort zone.  But when she was ready, she made her entrance quickly and gracefully and was shining for the whole room to see.
2. When you're not happy with a situation, make it known.  Chances are if you speak up loud enough, you will be heard.  She may be number four, but she isn't one to sit back quietly while the others over power her.  The point is, you may feel like the little person in the room but you have a voice, so use it!
3. There is nothing wrong with taking a time out.  In her case a nap.  Well, let's just say, I have finally given in a few times to the age old advice "when your baby is napping you should nap".  I haven't done it much but when I have, I feel like a new person.  I believe I will continue this tradition occasionally as much as I can for as long as I can.  After all, she will be napping for at least another year, right?  When you can, take some time for yourself.  You won't regret it.
4. There's nothing wrong with enjoying your meal.  And, if you don't like something, don't eat it.  Now, I am not saying spit it out in disgust like this little one does, but hey, why waste time on the stuff you don't want?
5. Dance like no one is watching and if they are make them dance like a fool with you.  This little girl has some moves.  They are hysterical and all her own making.  She doesn't care what the music is and she doesn't care who is around.  I am going to start to work on this one.  Being carefree is a release.  So, why don't we let go a little more often?
6. There's nothing wrong with a few snuggles with the ones you love.  Kisses, hugs and comforting quiet time with our family can be incredibly healing.  Eastyn has shown me (again) how amazing it is to embrace someone completely unguarded with the only intention being that of comfort.  I am going to work on being more open to loving the ones I have surrounding me.  Hugs can be so powerful.
7. The mundane tasks of every day life don't have to be so "boring".  This baby loves to "help" me with laundry.  She gets giddy when the big bucket enters the room filled with clothes still warm from the dryer.  She immediately starts to laugh and grab the clothes and run around the room with them.  When she is around, doing laundry doesn't seem so bad.  I am going to try and let go just a little bit more.  The laundry might take a little longer these days and well....the house isn't quite as clean as it used to be but I have to admit I am enjoying the process alot more this past year than ever before.

They all might seem like little things, but these days, the little things have become the big things.  Today, I am thankful I have had the last year to be reminded of the little things from this little person.  Life might not be perfect, some might even say far from it.  But, I think after E wakes up, we will try a  little dancing.  And I'll continue to believe.

My Thankfuls

I had a client come in yesterday for a haircut.  I have to admit she and her daughter are so similar in their personalities, it's scary.  They have this dry sense of humor that brightens my day every time either one of them walks into the salon.  And, if I get the two of them together, even better.  
I haven't been having the easiest time these days.  Now, when I say this I am not complaining.  I am simply stating the obvious.  And, this wonderful client put it perfectly.  "Here's Stacey, and here's the black cloud!"  Umm...yea.  I would say so.  It has been more than a rough couple of months.  So today's blog starts with a quote I am going to use to remind myself daily, "This too shall pass" and I am going to throw out a list of things I am thankful for. Every night before I go to bed for the past few months, this ritual has been a part of my bedtime routine.  I have to come up with at least three things I am thankful for. I am hoping this will inspire you, my dear reader, to dig deep and think of the things you are thankful for.  Or, better yet, post them in my comments section.  I can't think of a better way to start the day.  And, if that stupid black cloud is still around, I am going to start leaving the house with an umbrella regardless of weather or not the sun is shining.

1. I am thankful my son is alive and healthy.  His accident was one of the scariest days of my life.  His angels were watching out for him.
2. I am thankful my littlest is going to be one in about a week.  She is one of the brightest spots on my life with her chubby cheeks and her carefree view of the world.
3. I am thankful for a career I love which makes it never feel like work.
4. I am thankful for the "hair challenges" that come through the door of the salon.  They make me giddy...most of the time.
5. I am thankful I work with someone who makes me laugh and makes work even more enjoyable.  She is definitely my hair soul mate.
6. I am thankful for the people who have lifted me up and helped carry me on the darkest days of this storm.  Meals, moving, texts, phone calls, you name it.
7. I am thankful for those who haven't been there for me through this time.  They have taught me lessons I didn't know I needed to learn.
8. I am thankful for my faith.  I know it will get better.  And, I am beginning to hear those angels singing a little louder every day.
9. I am thankful for my "person".  Everyone has one.  That one person who seems to be there through it all and never gives up on you.  The one who makes life a little sweeter just because they are in it.
10. I am thankful I am stronger than I was yesterday and I will be even stronger tomorrow because of this dark cloud.  So, I say, bring it on.  It might not be what I expected, but then again, who said life is what we plan it to be anyway?

Believe.

Testing 1...2...3...

 

When I tell you this family is on overload, I am not exaggerating.  We are definitely being tested in every way possible.  I remember a few short months ago, as I was starting my journey with blogging, thinking about what might be ahead of me.  I felt like I was meant to do "something more".  I meditated and prayed about it daily.  I thought my angels were trying to let me know I was needed in some other way than just my day to day routine.  I was ready for whatever it was.  I guess I was not specific enough in my prayers because I had NO idea what I was about to be hit with.  And, I am sure this is how it is for most people when they are hit with many big things all at once.
I was at work this past week when I got the word my youngest son was in an accident.  Without getting into too many details of it, we have been in a helicopter, spent a few nights in the hospital and he has had surgery to repair a broken femur.  He is home and recovering and we are finally getting the added medical attention we need at home to function and help him heal.  This mom is now taking a deep breath, letting it all sink in and recognizing how "lucky" we are and how much worse it could have been.  I believe the word would be gratitude. 
So, I have headed back to work.  Because as all small business owners know, you aren't getting paid if you aren't working.  I have every intention when I head into work to give my all to everyone who comes through the door.  But, I am human.  And, sometimes I fall short due to the distractions of my other roles.  Namely, being a mom.  I believe I needed a reminder of the need for a separation of home and work.  And, I have taken this lesson to heart and am going to make a conscious effort to pull it together.  The reality of life is, when we get hit with "stuff", it is usually a bunch of stuff all at once.  I tend to use the term s@#$ storm.  It seems like the only appropriate description of what happens when one is slammed with life's challenges all at once and it all comes at you so fast, it hits like a tornado.
During these times, it is so easy to be negative.  And even more so, to be angry.  I have been angrier than I think I have ever been.  I have focused on the loss of friendships, the lack of support from people I thought "should" be there.  I have been filled with resentment and hurt.  I have painted myself the victim and made "them" the offender.  Plain and simple.  I have been pissed at the world.  I have suppressed the anger and put on a happy face all the while holding in the giant ball of anger in my gut.  And while it has been eating away at me, I have played the blame game.
As I got done a rather stressful and intense day at work yesterday I had a little bit of time to reflect.  I was peaceful all day even through the next phase of the storm.  I had clients ask about my son and his condition along with other things that might trigger a string of negativity and I was cool as a cucumber.  As I got in the car and thought about my day, I was shocked at how calm I had been.
I was calm because I realized for the first time in the last couple of months that I am not the only one in a storm of chaos and stress.  Yes, simple concept, I know.  And yet, the intense level of stress has caused me to pull into a shell and cripple me from seeing others and their needs and stresses.  Huh.  I am not alone.  And, being angry has gotten me nowhere.  If anything, it has added to the chaos and stress and made things just a little bit harder for everyone in the house.  Go figure.
So, I am letting go.  I am releasing the hurt of a life long friend.  I am going to stop shaking a fist in the air at the people who I expected to be there.  I am going to stop blaming and I am going to start listening to the angels again.  I am going to take the ball of anger and trash it.  It is only harming me and those around me.  I can't be a hairapist who's pissed.  They simply don't go together.
And, I am going to reflect on the positive.  My last client of the night last night has been an acquaintance I have wanted to get to know more.  For some reason, whenever she comes in, we have an incredible connection.  And yet, we haven't ever gotten together outside of the salon.  We have so much in common and our conversations run deep.  When I talk to her, I am comforted by our shared struggles and her sweet spirit.  I am thankful for her kindness and even more so, for the interaction with her at the end of my crazy day.  She helped me and probably doesn't even know it.
Through our family stresses, there have been so many who have dropped by with meals, care packages for my son, phone calls of support and so on.  These things just cannot be overlooked.  They are blessings.  They are living angels who have stepped in where others haven't or couldn't.  I have robbed myself and my family of those blessings by focusing so much on the negative.  I'm releasing it NOW.
As the weekend starts, and the s@#$ storm might continue, I am going to make the conscious choice to focus on the good stuff.  I am going to think of all the love that has been thrown our way.  I am going to rise above the ugliness I have no control over, realize I am not alone in the struggles of life, and keep on keepin' on.  And, of couse, I am going to Believe.

Deal Breakers

I went to see a mentor/friend of mine the other day.  I respect him and his opinion so much.  We started talking about deal breakers.  He said he could never be married to a smoker.  He could handle addiction, mental illness, etc but he simply couldn’t handle a smoker. 

When I have a client in my chair, and I think they need to change something in order to enhance their look, I have to choose my words very carefully.  There is a difference between respectful honesty, and a hurtful attack.  I hope I have never made the mistake of giving a client my opinion (when they have asked for it) and had it come across as anything more than my opinion, respectfully.  After all, I have no idea what this person sitting in my chair is going through.  I have no idea what their day was like before they sat down in my chair.  And, as I have mentioned before, I have no idea what baggage they carry with them from the past that I cannot see but is a part of who they are.  So, I am real and true, but not hurtful.

There will always be deal breakers in every relationship.  We may not say what they are to our friends, we may assume they are understood, but those closest to us know our Achilles heel.  Or do they?

Last night, my daughter received a call from her father.  In order for me to explain, let me give you a little history.  We met when I was 13.  He was 17.  I was smitten.  He was charismatic and charming.  And, my parents couldn’t stand him.  He was the perfect combination for the exciting start of some dramatic teenage years.  We drifted in and out of each other’s lives until we met up again at college.  I HAD to be with him.  The 13 year old in me still thought at 18 he was superman.  The dream guy.  And so started a very short term marriage two months to the day after my eighteenth birthday.  We weren’t married but maybe a year when the abuse started.  He was verbally abusive at first, then it got physical.  My deal breaker was the day we moved back to Maryland from Utah.  Our precious little girl was 4 months old and we were having a petty argument.  He picked me up and threw me down onto the carpet covered cement floor of the basement and knocked me out.  And, for me, that was the beginning of the end.

My daughter has always been the light of this man’s life.  He has treated her like a princess…until recently.  He now talks to her the same way he has talked to me for years.  As they talked last night, I was reminded of the deal breaker.  Once she got off the phone with him (in tears), I called him to “put out the fire”.  Evidently, it didn’t matter what I had to say.  He had an axe to grind.  And so I let him yell for a while and then said goodbye, never allowing my temper to get the best of me.

I decided it was time to have the conversation with my beautiful daughter about deal breakers.  After all, she is 16.  And, she needs to know now, there are certain things that are just unacceptable.  And, she has a choice and a voice as to whether she is going to allow herself to be put in a situation she doesn’t feel is healthy for her.  I didn’t say “Don’t talk to your Dad”.  I simply said “If anyone talks to you in a way that upsets you and you feel you don’t deserve, end it”.  Deal breaker.

I realize this has been a theme for me lately.  I believe my angels are trying to get me to reach deep within and figure out what my deal breakers are and respect myself enough to have boundaries.  By doing this, it doesn’t have to mean the other person is right or wrong, it simply means it doesn’t fit in with what WE have chosen for our own lives.  And, sadly, sometimes it means reevaluating relationships we hold the closest and possibly even letting them go.  Even if it is a father.  Even if it is a best friend of many years.  Even if it is your partner.  If it is the difference between being true to yourself and living a life you know isn’t what you want, it’s a deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing if you are sitting with someone blowing smoke in your face when that’s your deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing when your father or friend is yelling at you.  It’s a deal breaker.

What is your deal breaker?  Do you have people in your life close to you who push that boundary?  How do you handle it?  In my silence the past few days, I have allowed myself the quiet reflection of looking at myself.  If I am going to be a better hairapist, mother and friend, I want to make sure I am treating others with kindness, respect and love.  And, if you are hitting my Achilles heel, knowing it is my Achilles heel, it’s a deal breaker.

So to my dear beautiful oldest daughter, I say to you, be true to yourself.  Honor the woman you are becoming.  Figure out what your deal breakers are NOW so in the future, no matter who it is, you will know to walk away from any situation that isn’t for your higher good.  This life is meant to be one of happiness and peace.  If it is me or your father or anyone else who doesn’t respect that, tell them.  If the behavior doesn’t change, love yourself enough to distance yourself from those who are toxic.  Sometimes being you means being you alone.  And you don’t need others approval to know this.  Just chalk it up to a deal breaker.  And believe.

A couple things...

A couple things I have learned this week:

1.      It is impossible to make everyone happy.  And, at the end of the day, we each have our own path.  Better to be happy with your life than to live it for someone else.

2.     It is okay to ask for help.  And it comes from the places you would least expect it.  Don’t be so prideful that in times of need you don’t reach out to someone you trust and tell them you need help.  The right person will always be there at the right time.

3.     People will let you down.  Some of the people you thought you could rely on either can’t understand, don’t want you to make the choices you make, or simply don’t care to be supportive.  It’s not their fault.  It’s who they are.  And, it’s okay to be different.  But, it is also important to know when enough is enough.  Don’t allow these people in your space when you are vulnerable.  It can be dangerous.

4.     Facebook has been an addiction for me.  I had no idea how many times in a day I would pick up my phone to check on what others were doing out of habit.  I have deleted my account (for several reasons) and though I may at some point go back, for now, it has freed me of a vice I didn’t even realize I had.  I am happy to be off social media for now.  And, I am thankful it is one less way for my feathers to be ruffled by someone else’s “stuff”.

5.     I am a rock.  I may not be perfect and I may not always get it right, but at the end of the day, I stand up for what I believe in and I will always keep on fighting for myself, my kids and what I think is right.  After all, isn’t this the way we learn the lessons of life?

Believe.

The Roller Coaster

Do you remember the first time you rode on a roller coaster?  The anticipation of what was going to happen next was almost unbearable.  The click click click of the car moving up the track and you knew what was ahead.  A drop so fast and so hard, it made your stomach rise up into your throat.  I am on that roller coaster.  Some moments it feels like the good kind.  The highs of a good cup of coffee and the sunshine, and my sweet baby laughing are the moments I am clinging to.  And then there are those moments when I am headed down the slope on the other side and I feel like my stomach is in my throat and I desperately long to get off the ride.  What was I thinking?!

I have watched countless people come and go in my chair as their hairapist.  Some are peaceful and we banter back and forth about the day to day kinds of things.  The weather, their kids, their job.  And then there are those who are struggling.  I mean really struggling.  Cancer, the loss of a child, a divorce, addiction.  And I have always listened carefully and if needed, I have tried to comfort those I can.  I never thought I was immune to heartache because Lord knows I have felt it before.  But these past few years, my life has been fairly good.  I have been raising my kids (with some struggles along the way) and buying a house and getting married.  I don’t know what happens when we settle into a comfortable routine of day to day living.  I don’t know if I thought I was immune to struggles.  I don’t know if I finally thought it was my turn to be happy.  But, I chose to turn a blind eye to a big problem.  And I have been asking myself over and over again, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS?

Even bigger than the problems we face in our lives is the reaction we get from others.  It is crazy to think when we haven’t walked in another’s shoes, we somehow think we know how to handle and advise them on their pain.  Heartbreak of any kind is so deeply personal.  Not one person handles it the same as another.  And, regardless of our best intentions, these things need to be handled in a tender way. 

I have made my fair share of mistakes through my pain.  I have shared too much.  And then there are times where I haven’t shared enough.  But, I had a moment of clarity last night.  I was on the phone with my little sister.  She has battled her fair share of demons.  I knew she was the one to call.  I knew she would understand my pain.  She simply said “why do you care what other people think”?  Excuse me for those I offend with the words…HOLY.  SHIT.  DUH!  I have felt so strongly for the past few months about what I needed to do to rectify my situation.  I have exhausted all resources available.  So why in the heck, when I had my own personal confirmation I was doing the right thing, am I worried about what others have to say?  HA!  I feel like she smacked me upside my head.  She jolted me back to my reality.  My truth is, I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to live an authentic life.  I deserve to be healthy and give my children the best mom possible.  No amount of negativity is going to change what I know in my heart to be true.

I am now on the roller coaster.  Strapped in.  Ready to go.  I am going to scream with fear at some points.  I am going to be excited about the anticipation at others.  But the one thing I now know for sure is, though I am not alone on the ride, the experience of it is mine.

Thank you little sis.  Last night, you were one of my angels.  And this morning, I can hear them singing again because of your wise words.  Even now, it amazes me how the “right” person is there at exactly the time when you need them the most.  We are never really alone.

Believe.

The Move

Though there are still boxes everywhere, we have officially moved.  It is a cute place.  I am blown away at the outpouring of love we received last week.  I haven’t had blood family here through the process but I have had something just as amazing.  The people who appeared at my house to help move me and the kids was incredible.  I get emotional even thinking of it now.  There were men who went straight to work loading a truck with all of the things they had taken apart.  Women packing all of my most precious things in paper and making sure nothing was broken.  And even homemade cookies.  Most importantly, through my tears, there was always someone there to hug me.  I love these people.  Some of them I hardly know, but I love them.  They are a true example of the love we all should have for one another.  And though I had to put my pride aside in order to accept their help, I am so thankful.  I will always remember the incredible acts of kindness I have received through this process.  And, I want to assure all of these wonderful people, I promise at some point to pay it forward.  Times like these, you realize who your “people” are.  And, I promise you, the ones you think will be there probably won’t.  And, the ones you would never expect will go out of their way to do anything they possibly can to help.  To those who have been there for me and my children, from the bottom of my heart, I say thank you. 

Today was a tough day at the salon.  Not only was I there for over twelve hours, but I have realized it is extremely difficult to be a hairapist when you are in the midst of your own stuff.  People come to me for a new look, for a moment of calm and to be pampered.  And, usually I deliver.  Today, I think I fell short.  I was a numb version of a usually positive, bubbly me.  I am confident I will get back to that.  After all, being a hairapist is what I was meant to do.  But, for right now, I have to acknowledge I am human.  And, it is okay to take time to heal before trying to help others.

I am going to be taking some time off.  I need to clear my head and sort through the emotions.  I need to take walks with my baby in the stroller.  I need to hang out with my older kids.  And, most importantly, I need to refill my cup.  After all, without my clients, I wouldn’t have the amazing job I do.  And I can’t continue with that amazing job unless I take a little “time out” and work through the emotion and exhaustion.

So, if you haven’t already, please make sure you subscribe to my blog.  Though it won’t always be incredible stories of the transformation of one of my clients, I can promise you it will be, for now, a combination of hairapy for both myself and others.  Two incredible things happen when you come out of the other side of a painful experience. First, you find out you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.  And second, if it is really worth fighting for, you realize you are happier because you accomplished what you thought was the impossible.

Believe.

The Darkest Time

I remember my first love like it was yesterday.  He was adorable.  A summer crush really.  But, it lasted several summers.  I also remember when he broke my heart.  I thought I would never recover.  And, here I sit somehow having made it through.

Then there was Titanic.  I remember sitting in the theater unable to move when it was over with the thought “I will never get over this movie”.  It seems laughable now but at the time, it was earth shattering to me.

When my parents divorced, though I was 22 and had a child of my own, I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.  I wondered if life would ever be the same.  It hasn’t been the same, but somehow, it has continued to move forward.

I remember as if it was last week the birth of each one of my amazing children.  Those four days were the most incredible, spiritual experiences I will ever have in my life.  I also remember the day my second oldest was fighting for his life on full ventilator support.  I wondered if I would ever be able to breathe again if I lost my son.  And somehow, I am still here. (With a stong 12 year old I might add). 

I committed to you dear reader, to share the good the bad and the ugly.  I wanted this blog to be authentic.  I wanted you to see “me”.  Not the me with makeup and hair done, but the inner me.  And, as we all walk around with our masks on, there is so much more underneath.

Tomorrow I embark on the next chapter of my life.  And, like pain I have felt in the past, it will be painful.  And unlike a shot at the doctor’s office, it won’t be over in a second.  It will take months…years to bounce back.  But, some things are not meant to be forever.  And well, playing the blame game just doesn’t seem worth it.  It takes two people to end a relationship.  Two people who for whatever reason can’t work through the “yuck” life puts in our way.  It doesn’t mean the world is ending.  It simply means it is time for a change.

I know the person I made forever commitments to is still a person I will have in my life forever.  I hope at some point when we get past the hurt and anger, we can reach a point of forgiveness.  I hope for the sake of everyone involved there will be the recognition there are three sides to every story.  And, lashing out only hurts the littlest people involved.

If you my dear reader have ever been through something tough like I am describing, there are always two choices.  One, stay and make it work.  Two, try and make it work and if it doesn’t, move on.  We have made the choice to close this chapter and start a new one.

Why am I putting all of this “out there” do you ask?  Because I want YOU to know, you are not alone.  And, I want you to know, it is okay to say “this isn’t working”.  We each have to follow our own inner voice.  We each deserve to live our truth and to hear our angels singing.

I know I was meant to be here to help other people.  Unfortunately, I did not know the hurt I would experience in the process.  But I remember a childhood movie “The Sword in the Stone”.  A great little song “For every high there is a low, for every to there is a fro.  To and fro. Stop and go.  That’s what makes the world go round”…it is time to keep on moving ahead.  This might be one of my lows, but I have faith in the angels, I will reach a high again.

As I go through life’s hardest struggles, my chatty self becomes one of quiet reflection.  I contemplated all night whether or not to post.  But, if I am going to be authentic, it needs to be in the good and the bad.  I can’t be worried about “everyone” and their opinion.  Too many times, we worry about “everyone”…who is “everyone” really?  We make this idea up in our head that the whole world is judging us based on our own personal journey.  There will be more than a small few who will judge.  But remember my friend, they aren’t walking in your shoes.  They aren’t walking in mine.  And the only one in the mirror at the end of the day is you.

My bags are packed.  The keys are in hand.  And the hope for peace is there.  Never lose hope.  There will always be a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.  Some tunnels are just a little longer than others.

And, if the tunnel is that dark, make sure you bring your lantern.  Thank the heavens above the angels keeps singing even in the darkest of times.

Believe.

The Game Changer

Jane has only been a client of mine for about six months now.  She came to me because she needed a new look.  She is a beautiful middle aged woman who had gotten lost in her daughter’s drug addiction.  The very first time she came to me, she was candid about her struggles.  We had many parallels in our lives.  I believe this is why she felt so comfortable to talk to me about her situation.  While we worked on a new sassy ‘do for Jane, she talked to me about all of the sacrifices she made in order to get her daughter away from the drugs and negative influences.  Jane had put her own happiness on the line in order to “save” her daughter.

Jane has reached out to me several times asking how to get her angels to sing.  I got up this morning at 4 am and had an “aha” moment.  I know it was meant to be shared with Jane, but more importantly, I know the message was for me too.  I realized I can’t rest until I share it.  So for all you “Jane’s” out there, here it is…

I had a game changer moment this morning Jane.  I realized WE can’t live for someone else’s happiness or safety.  Sure, she is your daughter.  And you were blessed to be her mom.  But, she is grown now.  And you can’t save her.  You can be there as a support to her but you can’t put a protective bubble around her and keep her from going back to something if it is what she chooses.  And while you are trying to keep her from the things she may or may not go back to, you are completely neglecting YOU.

Living in fear of the “what if” is not living.  It is clinging onto a branch like a kitten in a tree.  We are hoping we don’t fall.   But, by thinking about the fall, we are creating the inevitable.  Whether it is our own “stuff” or someone else’s, we can’t change what “is”.  It is up to us to live each day as authentically as possible.

So, Jane (and this is for me too), we need to stop living for others and start doing what is right for us.  It might mean hurt.  It might mean pain.  But, if you aren’t taking care of YOU, who will?  I have faith if we both do this, our angels will sing louder than ever.  We are each here to grow individually.  We might have the help and support of others, but we can’t get lost in them.  It means losing our own way.  And, I don’t know about you but I am completely exhausted from living like this.

When you stop for a moment, and it is just you and the quiet, ask yourself this:  Am I living authentically?  Or am I doing what I feel obligated to do?  Am I being the person I am meant to be?  Or am I putting other’s needs before my own?   We each have our own angels singing.  Some of us are just more careful to listen.  I’m ready to start listening a little closer.  Are you?

Believe.

My Absence

My blogging has been rather quiet lately.  I have had messages and requests for posts.  And though I can attribute some of it to my mountain getaway, it doesn’t really explain it all.

I have been working like crazy to catch up with my clients.  Business is busier than ever and though it is stressful, when I walk into my creative space, I feel like I come alive.  Every client sitting in my chair is the potential for something amazing.  I am allowed the privilege of making magic happen.  And, sometimes, I don’t quite hit the mark.

Yesterday, I had a client come in for her second visit.  She is a referral from a dear friend of mine.  When she left her appointment the first time, she was THRILLED!  She couldn’t say enough about how happy she was to find me.  Her cut was exactly what she wanted.  She walked out of the salon with a skip in her step and once again, I was happy to see another person so happy.  But yesterday…well, yesterday was different.  Carol came into the salon and the moment she walked through the door, I knew something wasn’t right.  She was quiet and sullen.  Her makeup and hair were done and she looked polished as she had the first time, but she seemed low.  I don’t know how I know these things.  But, after doing hair for so many years, I have learned to read people’s body language.  It was evident something was very wrong.

Once Carol sat in the chair, I proceeded to do the usual.  I asked her how her cut had worked for her and what we needed to do to get her the same look.  All of a sudden I was thrown into a very direct (repeated several times) description of how awful the last few weeks with this cut had been for her.  Yikes.  Now, my first response was to shut down.  My internal dialogue was something like this.  “Holy crap.  I messed up.  She is unhappy.  And now, she is repeating over and over again how unhappy she is…what am I going to do.  I am not meant to be a hairdresser.  She is not meant to be my client.  What is wrong with me?”  Outwardly, I sat quietly and took it all in.  Once she was repeating the unhappy details of the past few weeks for the third time, I calmly stepped in, assured her I knew how to fix it and started to stand to shampoo her.  She sat in the chair, leaned her head into the bowl, and I said a quiet prayer I would be able to deliver a good cut.  Sounds silly, but I felt a tremendous amount of pressure.  Clearly, I was not what she needed right?  WRONG.  Once Carol had her head in the shampoo bowl and I started to wash her hair, she opened up about her life.  Something tragic is going on with her son.  She was so sorry if she sounded negative.  She wasn’t even sure she should keep her appointment with me.  And then the tears began to flow.  And, my heart turned from defensive to compassion.  Yes, she wasn’t happy with her cut, but there was so much going on in her life and well, it wasn’t all about me.

I have been thinking about Carol since yesterday.  I have prayed for her and her family.  And, I have reflected on the number of times I have assumed everything was great in someone else’s life while mine wasn’t exactly going as planned.  I have thought about how many times I will think the person in my chair has a chip on their shoulder and immediately, I take it personally. 

Carol was another reminder.  When someone is short tempered, quiet (out of their usual temperament), or overly critical, it probably isn’t about us.  Each one of us walks around with the weight of our own adversity.  Sometimes, we have a spring in our step.  Life is good.  And then there are those times, the really tough times, where we can’t hide what is really weighing on our hearts.

My blog has been quiet these days because just like Carol, my heart is heavy right now.  It isn’t the worst “stuff” I have ever been through.  And, I am sure I will face much worse at some point in my life.  But, as I have commited to you the reader to be completely authentic, it seems wrong to boost you with stories of my angels singing when quite frankly right now, I can’t even hear them quietly humming to me.

I will always be the hairapist who gives one hundred and fifty percent to the person in my chair.  But, the reality is, when I am not behind the chair, I am human.  I face my own struggles.  And even though I am strong, there are times where I feel like the weight of the world is just more than I can bare.  I felt Carol’s pain yesterday because I was going through my own pain.  And, I believe together, we helped each other.  She reminded me it is okay to let it out when things get tough.  And, if we are going to feel pure joy, there has to be a time where we feel the pain of life too.

As I sit here sipping my morning cup of coffee, I am reminded today is a new day.  Though the painful situation is still there and I am not ready to talk about it, I will acknowledge the pain, and tuck it somewhere deep within in order to do my job.  I will continue to give my all to my clients, my family and my friends.  And, with faith, I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Tears are okay.  What follows after the biggest storms?  A rainbow.  No matter how long it takes, I will get through this.  And, so will Carol.  And whatever you might be facing, you too will get through it.  Even when it doesn’t feel like it, we are never truly alone.  I know my angels never stop singing.  I need to listen a little closer.

What about you?  What are you facing right now?  Do you have the heavy weight of adversity on you?  This too shall pass, right?

Believe. 

The Plan

Being a mother of four, it takes major planning to get a kid free weekend.  Usually, the entire week before the weekend, there is anticipation of the time off.  I work a little more so I can enjoy my break.  And, right now I am making it sound like these breaks happen regularly.  The truth is, I haven’t had a break in a few years now.  So, the idea of leaving four kids and being in a cabin in the middle of nowhere was greatly anticipated.  No specific time to wake up.  No breakfast to cook for anyone.  No responsibilities.  I didn’t care about cold weather, possible snow, or the drive to and from.  I was feeling like a Calgon commercial from the 80’s. (“Take me away!”)  And then it happened.

Little one has strep throat for the first time.  And, understandably so, no one is going to want to keep a fussy baby while we run away from our responsibilities.  Let’s face it, when a child is sick, it takes everything in the parent to continue to run on empty.  Sleepless nights, excessive crying.  I can’t sell someone else on the idea of a glamorous weekend with a child I can hardly handle.

And, so I get angry.  WHY ME?  It is again so childish.  My inner three year old, throwing one of her tantrums again.  Embarassingly, I have been internally having these tantrums quite frequently lately.  And, the way it displays itself is in a short tempered mom who likes to mutter words under her breath that shouldn’t be put in a blog.  I am bitter and angry.  (Doesn’t this make you want to call me up and hang out?   Not.)

I woke up this morning now with a scratchy throat and the hopes it isn’t the same thing the baby has.  I am going to put on my workout clothes and hope it motivates me to sweat out the bitter today.  While I work out, I am going to remind myself I am not in control.  Life happens, right?  It amazes me at 37 years old, I somehow still seem to think I am in charge.  And, if I push everyone hard enough, things will fall into place the way I think they should.  If I just plan enough, everything will work out.  Uh, yea…not so much.

Instead of planning today, I am going to take it minute by minute.  Not even hour by hour.  I am going to accept this weekend is not going to be what I thought it was.  And, I am going to embrace whatever it is supposed to be.  Clearly, there is a lesson the angels have for me.  Though it doesn’t involve a weekend getaway, I have decided I am going to listen.  And embrace it.  After all, babies aren't little forever.  Maybe I am supposed to hold mine a little closer this weekend.  

Believe.

Football

Being a mother of four, my life is very busy.  I spend so much time in the salon but I spend even more time with four of the most amazing little people in the world.  And, though this blog is about “hairapy”, if you haven’t caught on yet, it’s about life.  And sometimes, the biggest lessons are from the little people.

My 12 year old son is passionate about football.  He has had a coach and a team for outdoor football he has connected with and formed a bond for the past three years.  So, I was surprised this year when he said he wanted to try indoor.  Though I knew he was a pretty good player, I felt much of his passion came from the familiarity of his teammates.  These kids have a bond.  And, because my son is one of the older players on the team, he makes the effort to be a leader when out on the field.

I had major reservations (and still do) about indoor football.  The setting is completely different.  It is no longer about weight limits and teamwork.  It is based on age regardless of the size of the kids.  And, what I thought would be a fun rec sport has become a series of nights with many complaints of an aching body and the bruises to show it.  I know, I know, I sound like the overprotective mom.  Hey guess what?  I probably am.  But, even through the complaining, he has continued to get in the practices and many times his 113 pound frame is put up against a teammate who is at least 50 to 70 pounds heavier.

It’s been two weeks.  And, the bruises are getting a little darker.  So, the mom in me couldn’t take it anymore.  I sat him down and asked him if he wanted to continue.  Now, I wasn’t saying “take the easy way out and quit” but rather, did we get in over our heads? (Yes, we.)  He was adamant about finishing out the season.  “No Mom, I want to keep playing.  It will toughen me up for outdoor.”  “But, bud, I am worried about how big these kids are next to you.  It just seems crazy to me to have you getting so beat up at practice and you haven’t even had a game yet.” “Yea, I know Mom.  But it will make me a better player.  And at least I get the ball.”  “Are you going to want to do this again next year?” “Heck no.  But I am going to finish what I started.”

I have been thinking about this for the past two days since we had our talk.  Here is this young kid, loving a sport so much, and yet he is in over his head.  And he is going to keep going and finish out the season.  How many times have we “quit” or given up when the going gets tough?  The circumstances aren’t what we thought we signed up for.  Do we bail?  Or do we make the best of it and let the life lesson make us a better person for the next season?

Little people continue to amaze me.

Believe.

My Truth

Penny and I rarely get time to do each other’s hair.  On that rare occasion when we do it is usually at an off hour.  We use that time to catch up on things.  It may be about client concerns, new ideas for education or rearranging and updating the salon.  And, sometimes, it gets personal.  Yesterday, it got personal.

We were talking about my blog.  And, somehow the conversation led into our past history and things we have been through in our lives.  Penny said she feels like I have lived a lifetime longer than she has and, well, she might be right.  One thing you need to know about Penny.  She is one of the sweetest and kindest, most genuine people I know.  She is a tough cookie on the outside but when she lets you in, you see how kind and compassionate she is underneath.  Penny always pays me the highest compliments.  I feel undeserving of these on so many levels.  She thinks I am some hair doing/ mom-of-four super hero.  I feel like I am a passionate wanna be super hero still searching for her cape.  I try not to let on to this, but the fact is, when the past is brought up, so is the source of all the insecurities.

I prayed when I started this blog for it to be an authentic me.  I wanted nothing to be taboo and I wanted to show who I am and hopefully, someone out there would be able to relate.  Talking to Penny made me realize, I can’t move forward until the voices of the past are quieted.  And, I have kept it in for way too long.

I was a child of privilege.  We lived in a big house and just like Penny thinks I am some superhero, my family was looked at as “that” family.  I felt my friends were envious of the house I lived in and the lifestyle I led.  As a preteen and teenager, money was no object.  But, little did they know how much I was suffering from within the walls of that house.  And, if I dare say anything, I was certain I would be looked at as both a liar and a spoiled brat.  (Well, that was what I was told I was, so why wouldn’t I believe it?)

For so many years, I thought the life I led was normal.  I was raised in a very devoutly religious home.  I thought the way things were in my home were because of the religion.  The lines for me as a child were very blurred.  Where did the strict rules of religion and the rules of our home start and end?  I had no idea.  And, I had no idea when I would be hit with vicious rants of verbal abuse for not being what I was “supposed” to be.  In my preteen and teenage years, I was called things that to this day, I have never been called by anyone else. My little sister would hide under the bed while I was brutally attacked with names like “slut” and “whore”.  It was so much more than this.  It was a mind game for me.  It was abuse, but I didn’t know it.  It was a quiet secret I have carried with me until today.  Sure I have taken moments in counseling to talk about it.  And, sometimes I have confided in my partner.  But never have I ever said the words, “I was a child who was verbally abused”.  Instead, I have let the tapes play over and over again in my head like a recording.  Sometimes the volume is turned up a little louder than others.  Sometimes, they are put on pause.  But, at times when I am feeling the weakest, it is like giant speakers at a concert are blaring right in my ears all the hurt from the past.

I have not made the best decisions in my life.  I am both a child of divorce and a mother of children who are victims of my poor choices.  I refuse to play the victim.  I made these choices based off of my knowledge of men.  I married a man the first time around just like my abuser.  I knew early on it was a situation I couldn’t stay in when the abuse became physical.  So I ran.  And I continued to run for many years.  From facing the past, facing the hurt and healing.

I was a mom who used to yell.  A lot.  I knew that was how things were handled right?  It wasn’t until a terrible altercation with my teenage daughter that I had the “aha” moment.  I was doing exactly what had been done to me.  It was so jolting to me, I was brought to my knees.  My neighbors, my husband, my ex husband all saw me “lose it”.  I was exactly what I had tried so hard not to be.  That was two and a half years ago.  I have not “lost it” since that day.  And, I vow not to ever do that again.

I believe many creative/artistic people use their talents as a way to heal.  When I am working with my clients and creating a new look, everything else melts away.  My “work” isn’t work for me.  It is a creative release.  Not only am I healing myself but I am making another look and feel better.

Through my job, I have formed some incredible relationships with my clients.  And, some of the clients I have become the closest to are the ones from the very religion I was raised in and had so many struggles with.  It isn’t until now, at 37 years old, I realize IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RELIGION.  I am so thankful for these people.  They have become some of my closest friends.  And, whether they realize it or not, they have been part of my healing process.

So, I guess my question to you is what are you running from?  And when is it finally going to be time to let it go to heal and move forward?  I hope you have an outlet like I do.  For me, it’s HAIRAPY.

Believe.

My (Not So Little) People

Remember the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? (Yes, I just dated myself didn’t I?)  Ferris says in the movie “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”    Though I am positive he wasn’t talking about having a family, I have to tell you it definitely applies to these four amazing people in the photo above.  Time is flying by and I can hardly keep up.  One graduating high school, one in middle school, one graduating from elementary school and the littlest one is almost 8 months.

I didn’t know much about what I wanted in life but one thing I knew for sure was I wanted to be a mom.  It has been the hardest damn job I WILL EVER HAVE!  And, it  has been the most incredible motivator and blessing I will ever experience.

So, I have this picture in my head of what heaven is like.  (Yes I am going to get spiritual on you…leave now if you feel uncomfortable lol).  I imagine all of these little spirit children standing and staring at a large wall of mommies trying to pick which one they want.  And, by some amazing incredible miracle, four of them chose me.  Now, I am sure since they have been with me they have questioned their judgment a time or two.  But, I have always tried to do my best.  They are the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I work so hard every day.  What I love most about these four children?  They are (and continue to become) amazing people.  I love spending time with them, talking with them and listening to their view of the world.  And, I love that they love each other.  Our house is chaos but I must say it is organized chaos.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.