The Roller Coaster

Do you remember the first time you rode on a roller coaster?  The anticipation of what was going to happen next was almost unbearable.  The click click click of the car moving up the track and you knew what was ahead.  A drop so fast and so hard, it made your stomach rise up into your throat.  I am on that roller coaster.  Some moments it feels like the good kind.  The highs of a good cup of coffee and the sunshine, and my sweet baby laughing are the moments I am clinging to.  And then there are those moments when I am headed down the slope on the other side and I feel like my stomach is in my throat and I desperately long to get off the ride.  What was I thinking?!

I have watched countless people come and go in my chair as their hairapist.  Some are peaceful and we banter back and forth about the day to day kinds of things.  The weather, their kids, their job.  And then there are those who are struggling.  I mean really struggling.  Cancer, the loss of a child, a divorce, addiction.  And I have always listened carefully and if needed, I have tried to comfort those I can.  I never thought I was immune to heartache because Lord knows I have felt it before.  But these past few years, my life has been fairly good.  I have been raising my kids (with some struggles along the way) and buying a house and getting married.  I don’t know what happens when we settle into a comfortable routine of day to day living.  I don’t know if I thought I was immune to struggles.  I don’t know if I finally thought it was my turn to be happy.  But, I chose to turn a blind eye to a big problem.  And I have been asking myself over and over again, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS?

Even bigger than the problems we face in our lives is the reaction we get from others.  It is crazy to think when we haven’t walked in another’s shoes, we somehow think we know how to handle and advise them on their pain.  Heartbreak of any kind is so deeply personal.  Not one person handles it the same as another.  And, regardless of our best intentions, these things need to be handled in a tender way. 

I have made my fair share of mistakes through my pain.  I have shared too much.  And then there are times where I haven’t shared enough.  But, I had a moment of clarity last night.  I was on the phone with my little sister.  She has battled her fair share of demons.  I knew she was the one to call.  I knew she would understand my pain.  She simply said “why do you care what other people think”?  Excuse me for those I offend with the words…HOLY.  SHIT.  DUH!  I have felt so strongly for the past few months about what I needed to do to rectify my situation.  I have exhausted all resources available.  So why in the heck, when I had my own personal confirmation I was doing the right thing, am I worried about what others have to say?  HA!  I feel like she smacked me upside my head.  She jolted me back to my reality.  My truth is, I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to live an authentic life.  I deserve to be healthy and give my children the best mom possible.  No amount of negativity is going to change what I know in my heart to be true.

I am now on the roller coaster.  Strapped in.  Ready to go.  I am going to scream with fear at some points.  I am going to be excited about the anticipation at others.  But the one thing I now know for sure is, though I am not alone on the ride, the experience of it is mine.

Thank you little sis.  Last night, you were one of my angels.  And this morning, I can hear them singing again because of your wise words.  Even now, it amazes me how the “right” person is there at exactly the time when you need them the most.  We are never really alone.

Believe.

A Journey of My Own

Because of what I do for a living, people automatically assume I am social all the time.  I think there is a little bit of a shock factor even for those close to me when I get very quiet before making a major life decision.  And, for some reason, I expect the people I love the most to jump on board my life train and cheer me on.  Why am I surprised when this doesn’t happen?! 

Each one of us is on our own journey.  There are people who come and go from our lives constantly.  Then there are the ones who even when you don’t talk regularly, they are there.

Before becoming a hairapist, I was a stay at home mom of three.  I was really good at it.  I made meals, went shopping (spending all of my husband’s hard earned money), did laundry, and made a best friend.  She was really good at spending money too.  We were the BEST of friends.  I would make cookies and make sure there was always an extra batch for her family.  I would sit out on her deck sipping iced tea while the kids swam in the pool.  I was living the dream right?  Not quite. 

My marriage was falling apart due to alcoholism, immaturity and a vast array of other bad decisions.  And, my BEST friend became a distant memory of what life used to be.  She became more and more distant.  Not understanding my decisions.  Heck, maybe not even respecting them.  After all, she was married to her high school sweetheart, and though they had their dysfunction, they were committed to making it work.  She slowly pulled away, and though I was hurt, I see her now and wonder how we were ever so close.  Our lives have taken two completely different paths.  Neither one better than the other, just different.

I knew when I made this series of decisions leading me to this place, I was healing myself and doing the right thing.  When your angels singing has dulled to a quiet hum and you are so lost in your day to day life trying to preserve the happiness of others before yourself, it is time to make a change.

I have visions for my future of doing things, big things to help others.  I love being behind the chair.  And, doing hair is my passion.  But, I am confident there will be more.  I have my list.  It’s a bucket list of sorts.  It is constantly being added to with things I know I  want to make happen in this life.  The most important things involve giving back to other people.

This list wasn’t going to happen without finding myself, being true to myself and of course above all else, hearing those angels again.  I don’t believe our angels ever leave us.  But I do believe when we are on a path of self destruction, we get so lost, WE fail to hear them.

I have spent the last couple of days watching the ones who have been there for me and coming to the acceptance of the ones who simply can’t do it.  The same way I have to live my life and be true to myself, they need to do the same.  Is life ever happening the way we thought it would?  While we are making plans, aren’t things usually happening just a little differently?  We do the best with what we are given. 

Even if I stand alone, this decision is the right one.  And the part I am most grateful for, is the time I am taking now to spend with my kids, exercise, feel the sun on my face and take care of ME.  I can’t be the hairapist I am meant to be without nurturing my soul.  So while I take this little hiatus from hair, I am going to be reaching the acceptance of those unable to understand, and embracing those that get it.  But even more than that, I am going to focus on what is right for me, my children, and listen a little closer to those angels.

The sun is rising now.  It’s time for a cup of coffee in the quiet of the morning before the chaos of the day starts.

We are never alone.  Ever.

Believe.

The Move

Though there are still boxes everywhere, we have officially moved.  It is a cute place.  I am blown away at the outpouring of love we received last week.  I haven’t had blood family here through the process but I have had something just as amazing.  The people who appeared at my house to help move me and the kids was incredible.  I get emotional even thinking of it now.  There were men who went straight to work loading a truck with all of the things they had taken apart.  Women packing all of my most precious things in paper and making sure nothing was broken.  And even homemade cookies.  Most importantly, through my tears, there was always someone there to hug me.  I love these people.  Some of them I hardly know, but I love them.  They are a true example of the love we all should have for one another.  And though I had to put my pride aside in order to accept their help, I am so thankful.  I will always remember the incredible acts of kindness I have received through this process.  And, I want to assure all of these wonderful people, I promise at some point to pay it forward.  Times like these, you realize who your “people” are.  And, I promise you, the ones you think will be there probably won’t.  And, the ones you would never expect will go out of their way to do anything they possibly can to help.  To those who have been there for me and my children, from the bottom of my heart, I say thank you. 

Today was a tough day at the salon.  Not only was I there for over twelve hours, but I have realized it is extremely difficult to be a hairapist when you are in the midst of your own stuff.  People come to me for a new look, for a moment of calm and to be pampered.  And, usually I deliver.  Today, I think I fell short.  I was a numb version of a usually positive, bubbly me.  I am confident I will get back to that.  After all, being a hairapist is what I was meant to do.  But, for right now, I have to acknowledge I am human.  And, it is okay to take time to heal before trying to help others.

I am going to be taking some time off.  I need to clear my head and sort through the emotions.  I need to take walks with my baby in the stroller.  I need to hang out with my older kids.  And, most importantly, I need to refill my cup.  After all, without my clients, I wouldn’t have the amazing job I do.  And I can’t continue with that amazing job unless I take a little “time out” and work through the emotion and exhaustion.

So, if you haven’t already, please make sure you subscribe to my blog.  Though it won’t always be incredible stories of the transformation of one of my clients, I can promise you it will be, for now, a combination of hairapy for both myself and others.  Two incredible things happen when you come out of the other side of a painful experience. First, you find out you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.  And second, if it is really worth fighting for, you realize you are happier because you accomplished what you thought was the impossible.

Believe.

The Darkest Time

I remember my first love like it was yesterday.  He was adorable.  A summer crush really.  But, it lasted several summers.  I also remember when he broke my heart.  I thought I would never recover.  And, here I sit somehow having made it through.

Then there was Titanic.  I remember sitting in the theater unable to move when it was over with the thought “I will never get over this movie”.  It seems laughable now but at the time, it was earth shattering to me.

When my parents divorced, though I was 22 and had a child of my own, I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.  I wondered if life would ever be the same.  It hasn’t been the same, but somehow, it has continued to move forward.

I remember as if it was last week the birth of each one of my amazing children.  Those four days were the most incredible, spiritual experiences I will ever have in my life.  I also remember the day my second oldest was fighting for his life on full ventilator support.  I wondered if I would ever be able to breathe again if I lost my son.  And somehow, I am still here. (With a stong 12 year old I might add). 

I committed to you dear reader, to share the good the bad and the ugly.  I wanted this blog to be authentic.  I wanted you to see “me”.  Not the me with makeup and hair done, but the inner me.  And, as we all walk around with our masks on, there is so much more underneath.

Tomorrow I embark on the next chapter of my life.  And, like pain I have felt in the past, it will be painful.  And unlike a shot at the doctor’s office, it won’t be over in a second.  It will take months…years to bounce back.  But, some things are not meant to be forever.  And well, playing the blame game just doesn’t seem worth it.  It takes two people to end a relationship.  Two people who for whatever reason can’t work through the “yuck” life puts in our way.  It doesn’t mean the world is ending.  It simply means it is time for a change.

I know the person I made forever commitments to is still a person I will have in my life forever.  I hope at some point when we get past the hurt and anger, we can reach a point of forgiveness.  I hope for the sake of everyone involved there will be the recognition there are three sides to every story.  And, lashing out only hurts the littlest people involved.

If you my dear reader have ever been through something tough like I am describing, there are always two choices.  One, stay and make it work.  Two, try and make it work and if it doesn’t, move on.  We have made the choice to close this chapter and start a new one.

Why am I putting all of this “out there” do you ask?  Because I want YOU to know, you are not alone.  And, I want you to know, it is okay to say “this isn’t working”.  We each have to follow our own inner voice.  We each deserve to live our truth and to hear our angels singing.

I know I was meant to be here to help other people.  Unfortunately, I did not know the hurt I would experience in the process.  But I remember a childhood movie “The Sword in the Stone”.  A great little song “For every high there is a low, for every to there is a fro.  To and fro. Stop and go.  That’s what makes the world go round”…it is time to keep on moving ahead.  This might be one of my lows, but I have faith in the angels, I will reach a high again.

As I go through life’s hardest struggles, my chatty self becomes one of quiet reflection.  I contemplated all night whether or not to post.  But, if I am going to be authentic, it needs to be in the good and the bad.  I can’t be worried about “everyone” and their opinion.  Too many times, we worry about “everyone”…who is “everyone” really?  We make this idea up in our head that the whole world is judging us based on our own personal journey.  There will be more than a small few who will judge.  But remember my friend, they aren’t walking in your shoes.  They aren’t walking in mine.  And the only one in the mirror at the end of the day is you.

My bags are packed.  The keys are in hand.  And the hope for peace is there.  Never lose hope.  There will always be a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.  Some tunnels are just a little longer than others.

And, if the tunnel is that dark, make sure you bring your lantern.  Thank the heavens above the angels keeps singing even in the darkest of times.

Believe.

The Game Changer

Jane has only been a client of mine for about six months now.  She came to me because she needed a new look.  She is a beautiful middle aged woman who had gotten lost in her daughter’s drug addiction.  The very first time she came to me, she was candid about her struggles.  We had many parallels in our lives.  I believe this is why she felt so comfortable to talk to me about her situation.  While we worked on a new sassy ‘do for Jane, she talked to me about all of the sacrifices she made in order to get her daughter away from the drugs and negative influences.  Jane had put her own happiness on the line in order to “save” her daughter.

Jane has reached out to me several times asking how to get her angels to sing.  I got up this morning at 4 am and had an “aha” moment.  I know it was meant to be shared with Jane, but more importantly, I know the message was for me too.  I realized I can’t rest until I share it.  So for all you “Jane’s” out there, here it is…

I had a game changer moment this morning Jane.  I realized WE can’t live for someone else’s happiness or safety.  Sure, she is your daughter.  And you were blessed to be her mom.  But, she is grown now.  And you can’t save her.  You can be there as a support to her but you can’t put a protective bubble around her and keep her from going back to something if it is what she chooses.  And while you are trying to keep her from the things she may or may not go back to, you are completely neglecting YOU.

Living in fear of the “what if” is not living.  It is clinging onto a branch like a kitten in a tree.  We are hoping we don’t fall.   But, by thinking about the fall, we are creating the inevitable.  Whether it is our own “stuff” or someone else’s, we can’t change what “is”.  It is up to us to live each day as authentically as possible.

So, Jane (and this is for me too), we need to stop living for others and start doing what is right for us.  It might mean hurt.  It might mean pain.  But, if you aren’t taking care of YOU, who will?  I have faith if we both do this, our angels will sing louder than ever.  We are each here to grow individually.  We might have the help and support of others, but we can’t get lost in them.  It means losing our own way.  And, I don’t know about you but I am completely exhausted from living like this.

When you stop for a moment, and it is just you and the quiet, ask yourself this:  Am I living authentically?  Or am I doing what I feel obligated to do?  Am I being the person I am meant to be?  Or am I putting other’s needs before my own?   We each have our own angels singing.  Some of us are just more careful to listen.  I’m ready to start listening a little closer.  Are you?

Believe.

My Absence

My blogging has been rather quiet lately.  I have had messages and requests for posts.  And though I can attribute some of it to my mountain getaway, it doesn’t really explain it all.

I have been working like crazy to catch up with my clients.  Business is busier than ever and though it is stressful, when I walk into my creative space, I feel like I come alive.  Every client sitting in my chair is the potential for something amazing.  I am allowed the privilege of making magic happen.  And, sometimes, I don’t quite hit the mark.

Yesterday, I had a client come in for her second visit.  She is a referral from a dear friend of mine.  When she left her appointment the first time, she was THRILLED!  She couldn’t say enough about how happy she was to find me.  Her cut was exactly what she wanted.  She walked out of the salon with a skip in her step and once again, I was happy to see another person so happy.  But yesterday…well, yesterday was different.  Carol came into the salon and the moment she walked through the door, I knew something wasn’t right.  She was quiet and sullen.  Her makeup and hair were done and she looked polished as she had the first time, but she seemed low.  I don’t know how I know these things.  But, after doing hair for so many years, I have learned to read people’s body language.  It was evident something was very wrong.

Once Carol sat in the chair, I proceeded to do the usual.  I asked her how her cut had worked for her and what we needed to do to get her the same look.  All of a sudden I was thrown into a very direct (repeated several times) description of how awful the last few weeks with this cut had been for her.  Yikes.  Now, my first response was to shut down.  My internal dialogue was something like this.  “Holy crap.  I messed up.  She is unhappy.  And now, she is repeating over and over again how unhappy she is…what am I going to do.  I am not meant to be a hairdresser.  She is not meant to be my client.  What is wrong with me?”  Outwardly, I sat quietly and took it all in.  Once she was repeating the unhappy details of the past few weeks for the third time, I calmly stepped in, assured her I knew how to fix it and started to stand to shampoo her.  She sat in the chair, leaned her head into the bowl, and I said a quiet prayer I would be able to deliver a good cut.  Sounds silly, but I felt a tremendous amount of pressure.  Clearly, I was not what she needed right?  WRONG.  Once Carol had her head in the shampoo bowl and I started to wash her hair, she opened up about her life.  Something tragic is going on with her son.  She was so sorry if she sounded negative.  She wasn’t even sure she should keep her appointment with me.  And then the tears began to flow.  And, my heart turned from defensive to compassion.  Yes, she wasn’t happy with her cut, but there was so much going on in her life and well, it wasn’t all about me.

I have been thinking about Carol since yesterday.  I have prayed for her and her family.  And, I have reflected on the number of times I have assumed everything was great in someone else’s life while mine wasn’t exactly going as planned.  I have thought about how many times I will think the person in my chair has a chip on their shoulder and immediately, I take it personally. 

Carol was another reminder.  When someone is short tempered, quiet (out of their usual temperament), or overly critical, it probably isn’t about us.  Each one of us walks around with the weight of our own adversity.  Sometimes, we have a spring in our step.  Life is good.  And then there are those times, the really tough times, where we can’t hide what is really weighing on our hearts.

My blog has been quiet these days because just like Carol, my heart is heavy right now.  It isn’t the worst “stuff” I have ever been through.  And, I am sure I will face much worse at some point in my life.  But, as I have commited to you the reader to be completely authentic, it seems wrong to boost you with stories of my angels singing when quite frankly right now, I can’t even hear them quietly humming to me.

I will always be the hairapist who gives one hundred and fifty percent to the person in my chair.  But, the reality is, when I am not behind the chair, I am human.  I face my own struggles.  And even though I am strong, there are times where I feel like the weight of the world is just more than I can bare.  I felt Carol’s pain yesterday because I was going through my own pain.  And, I believe together, we helped each other.  She reminded me it is okay to let it out when things get tough.  And, if we are going to feel pure joy, there has to be a time where we feel the pain of life too.

As I sit here sipping my morning cup of coffee, I am reminded today is a new day.  Though the painful situation is still there and I am not ready to talk about it, I will acknowledge the pain, and tuck it somewhere deep within in order to do my job.  I will continue to give my all to my clients, my family and my friends.  And, with faith, I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Tears are okay.  What follows after the biggest storms?  A rainbow.  No matter how long it takes, I will get through this.  And, so will Carol.  And whatever you might be facing, you too will get through it.  Even when it doesn’t feel like it, we are never truly alone.  I know my angels never stop singing.  I need to listen a little closer.

What about you?  What are you facing right now?  Do you have the heavy weight of adversity on you?  This too shall pass, right?

Believe. 

Mountain Getaway

It is very rare for this hairapist to take a time out.  As a mother of four, it takes so much plotting and planning to escape from the day to day chaos.  Many times, even though I hear the little voice telling me to take a break, I ignore it and continue on with the day to day routine.

But this past weekend, I relented.  And it was amazing.  I have always considered myself more of a beach person.  Warm weather, the sunshine and the breeze from the ocean…ahhh.  But, this beach bum decided to follow the lead of her husband and head to the mountains.  Not just any cabin in the mountains, but a cabin all by itself at the top of a mountain.  The view was incredible.  The cabin immaculate and cozy.  And, here are a few of the things I learned on this incredible getaway:

11.      Everyone needs a break.  Mountains, beach, staycation, doesn’t matter.  It is necessary.  And mine was WAY overdue.

22.     Trying something new for your vacation can be incredible.  This mountain getaway now goes down in history as my most relaxing escape (even beating out Jamaica, mon).

33.     Food is even better when you don’t have to cook it.  We ate at some amazing places and I enjoyed every last calorie (my personal trainer will make me pay for this).

44.     People seem to enjoy life a little more here in the mountains.  The pace is a little slower and well, the people are friendlier.

55.     I will always love people watching.  And we did plenty of it while here.  And incredibly, my inner hairdresser wasn’t obsessing over ways to fix people. (I know, shocking)

66.     When you are passionate about something, you will draw people to you with the same passion regardless of the circumstances.  We had massages at an incredible spa.  The owner had a story so similar to mine.  She was amazing.  And, another reminder, we can make our dreams come true.

77.     Every mom needs a break.  And after a few days, that same mom misses her kids and can’t wait to get back to her chaos.  I love my children more because I have had a break from them.  It has made me stop and appreciate the four blessings I have in my life.

88.     A few days makeup free is liberating.  When you are in a business where you have to be made up day in and day out, it is nice to be in comfy clothes and no makeup and still feel beautiful.  I even went without doing my hair a day or two!

99.     I wish we had a fireplace at our house.  There is something so soothing about sitting in front of a fire.  My husband and I loved the fireplace so much, the first night, we slept on couches just so we could enjoy the crackle of the fireplace.

110.                          I need to stop and take a break more often.  I will go home renewed, refreshed and ready to take on some hair.  Timeouts are healing.  I’m so thankful I finally got one.

So when was the last time you took a break?  Are you able to hear your angels singing?  Or are you so exhausted mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you’re living life on automatic pilot?

Big shout out to the two people (my mother and my sister in law) for making this trip happen.  Babies have a sixth sense.  They know you are getting ready to escape and somehow they get sick at just the right time to make you cancel your getaway.  Luckily, we had these great people to help us get away.

I hope you get a break soon.  And, if you need a place to go, I know a great cabin in the mountains.

Believe