Confessions of an (almost) Ponytail

Those of you who know me know how I feel about the (dreaded) ponytail.  Yes, there is a time and a place for this 'do, but the fact is, I just don't like them.  Working out, cleaning house, new baby, fine.  But if you are sporting this look to work...you need an intervention.
Due to the chaos in my life, I have been on a haircut strike.  Yes, this hairdresser, who always has the polished perfect look is just letting it go.  I am lucky to get the gray hairs covered these days due to how busy Penny and I have been.  Yes Penny, that is a hint.  So, while caring for my son and running around the house yesterday, I found myself calling out to my teenager "Do you have a ponytail holder?"  Yeah, I said it.  And, within a few minutes I had a nub of hair on the back of my head.  It isn't quite long enough to look like the horse's a@# I usually refer to, but the fact is, I went there.  And, I have to admit for the chaos I was dealing with in the house, it was worth it.  So ladies, I am going to stop giving you a hard time for the next few hot months when you stroll into the salon with your 'do in the dreaded ponytail.  And, I am going to sport mine only in the comfort of my own home with no witnesses but the family.
Please let me be clear, I am happier with a beautiful blowout on each and every one of us, but let's face it.  Sometimes ya just need to throw it back and look like a horse's a@#. 

Testing 1...2...3...

 

When I tell you this family is on overload, I am not exaggerating.  We are definitely being tested in every way possible.  I remember a few short months ago, as I was starting my journey with blogging, thinking about what might be ahead of me.  I felt like I was meant to do "something more".  I meditated and prayed about it daily.  I thought my angels were trying to let me know I was needed in some other way than just my day to day routine.  I was ready for whatever it was.  I guess I was not specific enough in my prayers because I had NO idea what I was about to be hit with.  And, I am sure this is how it is for most people when they are hit with many big things all at once.
I was at work this past week when I got the word my youngest son was in an accident.  Without getting into too many details of it, we have been in a helicopter, spent a few nights in the hospital and he has had surgery to repair a broken femur.  He is home and recovering and we are finally getting the added medical attention we need at home to function and help him heal.  This mom is now taking a deep breath, letting it all sink in and recognizing how "lucky" we are and how much worse it could have been.  I believe the word would be gratitude. 
So, I have headed back to work.  Because as all small business owners know, you aren't getting paid if you aren't working.  I have every intention when I head into work to give my all to everyone who comes through the door.  But, I am human.  And, sometimes I fall short due to the distractions of my other roles.  Namely, being a mom.  I believe I needed a reminder of the need for a separation of home and work.  And, I have taken this lesson to heart and am going to make a conscious effort to pull it together.  The reality of life is, when we get hit with "stuff", it is usually a bunch of stuff all at once.  I tend to use the term s@#$ storm.  It seems like the only appropriate description of what happens when one is slammed with life's challenges all at once and it all comes at you so fast, it hits like a tornado.
During these times, it is so easy to be negative.  And even more so, to be angry.  I have been angrier than I think I have ever been.  I have focused on the loss of friendships, the lack of support from people I thought "should" be there.  I have been filled with resentment and hurt.  I have painted myself the victim and made "them" the offender.  Plain and simple.  I have been pissed at the world.  I have suppressed the anger and put on a happy face all the while holding in the giant ball of anger in my gut.  And while it has been eating away at me, I have played the blame game.
As I got done a rather stressful and intense day at work yesterday I had a little bit of time to reflect.  I was peaceful all day even through the next phase of the storm.  I had clients ask about my son and his condition along with other things that might trigger a string of negativity and I was cool as a cucumber.  As I got in the car and thought about my day, I was shocked at how calm I had been.
I was calm because I realized for the first time in the last couple of months that I am not the only one in a storm of chaos and stress.  Yes, simple concept, I know.  And yet, the intense level of stress has caused me to pull into a shell and cripple me from seeing others and their needs and stresses.  Huh.  I am not alone.  And, being angry has gotten me nowhere.  If anything, it has added to the chaos and stress and made things just a little bit harder for everyone in the house.  Go figure.
So, I am letting go.  I am releasing the hurt of a life long friend.  I am going to stop shaking a fist in the air at the people who I expected to be there.  I am going to stop blaming and I am going to start listening to the angels again.  I am going to take the ball of anger and trash it.  It is only harming me and those around me.  I can't be a hairapist who's pissed.  They simply don't go together.
And, I am going to reflect on the positive.  My last client of the night last night has been an acquaintance I have wanted to get to know more.  For some reason, whenever she comes in, we have an incredible connection.  And yet, we haven't ever gotten together outside of the salon.  We have so much in common and our conversations run deep.  When I talk to her, I am comforted by our shared struggles and her sweet spirit.  I am thankful for her kindness and even more so, for the interaction with her at the end of my crazy day.  She helped me and probably doesn't even know it.
Through our family stresses, there have been so many who have dropped by with meals, care packages for my son, phone calls of support and so on.  These things just cannot be overlooked.  They are blessings.  They are living angels who have stepped in where others haven't or couldn't.  I have robbed myself and my family of those blessings by focusing so much on the negative.  I'm releasing it NOW.
As the weekend starts, and the s@#$ storm might continue, I am going to make the conscious choice to focus on the good stuff.  I am going to think of all the love that has been thrown our way.  I am going to rise above the ugliness I have no control over, realize I am not alone in the struggles of life, and keep on keepin' on.  And, of couse, I am going to Believe.

Why settle?

I have a client and friend of mine (actually she is the one who calls me her hairapist) and she requested a post on this subject of settling.  The request was weeks ago.  And, I have been thinking about it ever since.  Now please do not get this confused with my last post about expectations.  This isn't about the expectations we have of others or the stress we put on ourselves in our day to day life.  It's about what makes us happy.  And, why is that so many of us settle for less in life than what we really want?
This client I am referring to is a really intelligent woman.  She works hard at her job and she is feisty.  I love our conversations and I always take something away from them.  And one of the main topics of conversation is why she settles for a job she HATES.  Now, I am not sure if it is the work she hates or the company, but does it really matter?  Does it seem fulfilling to get up every morning with a feeling of dread about what lies ahead working for someone you can't stand?  What if it isn't your job?  What if it's other circumstances in your life?  Your weight?  Your relationship?  Your lack of motivation?  Why, why, why do we settle?!
I think one of the first answers is the fear of change.  Going outside of our comfort zone can be terrifying.  We get caught up in an internal game of "what if" instead of trusting out instincts or possibly even just taking a risk.  We think of all the things we have to "lose" if we take a leap of faith.
Another reason could be we get stuck.  There are periods of time where we get complacent for no other reason than a comfortable routine starts and before we know it, we have been in that same routine for weeks...months...years.  Yikes.  But isn't this life about growing and bettering ourselves?
I saw an interesting quote today.  I don't remember the exact wording but it was something like "does today look like something you would want written in the book of your life?"  I immediately thought of my unwashed and hair and makeupless face.  (So vain).  Then I thought about the time I spent with my baby.  The clean house.  The meal I was preparing for dinner.  And, the person I got to help with just a little bit of advice and some food to take home with him.  Every day isn't perfect.  But, I am right where I want to be today.  And, I am dreaming big.  And, you have my word I will make those dreams come true.
So in what part of your life are you settling?  And, what are you going to do to change it?  It's in your power to change those things you aren't happy with.  Don't settle for anything less.  And believe.

Expectations

Every day I go to work, it is with the anticipation of what lies ahead.  I never know if it will be a day of clients needing to unload emotional baggage and a serious hairapy session, or if it will be a day of excitement and new ideas.  Last week, I had a day I would compare to Christmas.  I had THREE new clients in ONE day!  This never happens.  I am usually seeing my "regulars".  And, please know I love each and every one.  But, there is something about a "newbie" that brings about an indescribable giddiness in me.  I find it hard to contain myself.  And many times, I get strange looks from this poor person who has no idea how passionate I am about what I do.  (To the people who really know me and my creative "process", they are probably chuckling right now).

This day was MIND. BLOWING.  Three people, all with different "hair issues" and they were all extreme makeovers.  I felt alive with creativity and was able to let the outside world go and savor every moment.  I had no expectations of what the day was to be, and it turned out to be AH-MAZING!  I came home on a natural high of a day filled with success. There is something truly incredible in the creative process when passion and talent come together and I see my client's face light up as they see the finished look in the mirror.  The craziest part about this?  They are trusting a complete stranger based off of one person telling them I am good at what I do.  Yikes.  Now that is pressure.  I always ask if they are nervous.  Sometimes the answer is yes (well, most of the time).  And sometimes the answer is no (followed by "it's just hair"...people, it is never "just hair" to me).

This day got me thinking about my life right now and all of the changes I have had going on.  I have been quiet on the blogging front because I wanted to reconnect with myself and make sure my blog wasn't veering away from what I wanted it to be.  I wanted an authentic view of the life of a hairapist with a twist of day to day life lessons.  I wanted to uplift the reader or at least get them thinking.  If my angels were down to a low hum (or I was just too distracted to listen) how was I going to be able to give anything to my reader?

I believe my biggest struggle has been expectations.  I set them for myself and for those around me.   And, when I fail to meet them, or the people around me do, I let it take me down.

My Christmas Day in the salon made me rethink this.  When there is no expectation, how can there be disappointment?  When we stop expecting people to act a certain way, or our day to head in a certain direction, disappointment isn't an option.  In it's place is the opportunity for magic to happen.

I was listening to an audio book in the car the other day from one of my favorite spiritual advisors.  She said if you take five minutes in the morning of quiet to be thankful for what you have and open your mind to the possibilities of the day, you will not be disappointed.  I tried it.  I thought, what do I have to lose?  It's five minutes.  And, you know what?  It worked.  Now, in my way of thinking, this was time to listen to those angels and let go of expectation.  For you, it may be viewed differently.  But, however you look at it, it's five mintues.  Try it.  What do you have to lose.  Let go of the expectations of yourself and those around you.  And believe.

Deal Breakers

I went to see a mentor/friend of mine the other day.  I respect him and his opinion so much.  We started talking about deal breakers.  He said he could never be married to a smoker.  He could handle addiction, mental illness, etc but he simply couldn’t handle a smoker. 

When I have a client in my chair, and I think they need to change something in order to enhance their look, I have to choose my words very carefully.  There is a difference between respectful honesty, and a hurtful attack.  I hope I have never made the mistake of giving a client my opinion (when they have asked for it) and had it come across as anything more than my opinion, respectfully.  After all, I have no idea what this person sitting in my chair is going through.  I have no idea what their day was like before they sat down in my chair.  And, as I have mentioned before, I have no idea what baggage they carry with them from the past that I cannot see but is a part of who they are.  So, I am real and true, but not hurtful.

There will always be deal breakers in every relationship.  We may not say what they are to our friends, we may assume they are understood, but those closest to us know our Achilles heel.  Or do they?

Last night, my daughter received a call from her father.  In order for me to explain, let me give you a little history.  We met when I was 13.  He was 17.  I was smitten.  He was charismatic and charming.  And, my parents couldn’t stand him.  He was the perfect combination for the exciting start of some dramatic teenage years.  We drifted in and out of each other’s lives until we met up again at college.  I HAD to be with him.  The 13 year old in me still thought at 18 he was superman.  The dream guy.  And so started a very short term marriage two months to the day after my eighteenth birthday.  We weren’t married but maybe a year when the abuse started.  He was verbally abusive at first, then it got physical.  My deal breaker was the day we moved back to Maryland from Utah.  Our precious little girl was 4 months old and we were having a petty argument.  He picked me up and threw me down onto the carpet covered cement floor of the basement and knocked me out.  And, for me, that was the beginning of the end.

My daughter has always been the light of this man’s life.  He has treated her like a princess…until recently.  He now talks to her the same way he has talked to me for years.  As they talked last night, I was reminded of the deal breaker.  Once she got off the phone with him (in tears), I called him to “put out the fire”.  Evidently, it didn’t matter what I had to say.  He had an axe to grind.  And so I let him yell for a while and then said goodbye, never allowing my temper to get the best of me.

I decided it was time to have the conversation with my beautiful daughter about deal breakers.  After all, she is 16.  And, she needs to know now, there are certain things that are just unacceptable.  And, she has a choice and a voice as to whether she is going to allow herself to be put in a situation she doesn’t feel is healthy for her.  I didn’t say “Don’t talk to your Dad”.  I simply said “If anyone talks to you in a way that upsets you and you feel you don’t deserve, end it”.  Deal breaker.

I realize this has been a theme for me lately.  I believe my angels are trying to get me to reach deep within and figure out what my deal breakers are and respect myself enough to have boundaries.  By doing this, it doesn’t have to mean the other person is right or wrong, it simply means it doesn’t fit in with what WE have chosen for our own lives.  And, sadly, sometimes it means reevaluating relationships we hold the closest and possibly even letting them go.  Even if it is a father.  Even if it is a best friend of many years.  Even if it is your partner.  If it is the difference between being true to yourself and living a life you know isn’t what you want, it’s a deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing if you are sitting with someone blowing smoke in your face when that’s your deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing when your father or friend is yelling at you.  It’s a deal breaker.

What is your deal breaker?  Do you have people in your life close to you who push that boundary?  How do you handle it?  In my silence the past few days, I have allowed myself the quiet reflection of looking at myself.  If I am going to be a better hairapist, mother and friend, I want to make sure I am treating others with kindness, respect and love.  And, if you are hitting my Achilles heel, knowing it is my Achilles heel, it’s a deal breaker.

So to my dear beautiful oldest daughter, I say to you, be true to yourself.  Honor the woman you are becoming.  Figure out what your deal breakers are NOW so in the future, no matter who it is, you will know to walk away from any situation that isn’t for your higher good.  This life is meant to be one of happiness and peace.  If it is me or your father or anyone else who doesn’t respect that, tell them.  If the behavior doesn’t change, love yourself enough to distance yourself from those who are toxic.  Sometimes being you means being you alone.  And you don’t need others approval to know this.  Just chalk it up to a deal breaker.  And believe.

A couple things...

A couple things I have learned this week:

1.      It is impossible to make everyone happy.  And, at the end of the day, we each have our own path.  Better to be happy with your life than to live it for someone else.

2.     It is okay to ask for help.  And it comes from the places you would least expect it.  Don’t be so prideful that in times of need you don’t reach out to someone you trust and tell them you need help.  The right person will always be there at the right time.

3.     People will let you down.  Some of the people you thought you could rely on either can’t understand, don’t want you to make the choices you make, or simply don’t care to be supportive.  It’s not their fault.  It’s who they are.  And, it’s okay to be different.  But, it is also important to know when enough is enough.  Don’t allow these people in your space when you are vulnerable.  It can be dangerous.

4.     Facebook has been an addiction for me.  I had no idea how many times in a day I would pick up my phone to check on what others were doing out of habit.  I have deleted my account (for several reasons) and though I may at some point go back, for now, it has freed me of a vice I didn’t even realize I had.  I am happy to be off social media for now.  And, I am thankful it is one less way for my feathers to be ruffled by someone else’s “stuff”.

5.     I am a rock.  I may not be perfect and I may not always get it right, but at the end of the day, I stand up for what I believe in and I will always keep on fighting for myself, my kids and what I think is right.  After all, isn’t this the way we learn the lessons of life?

Believe.

The Roller Coaster

Do you remember the first time you rode on a roller coaster?  The anticipation of what was going to happen next was almost unbearable.  The click click click of the car moving up the track and you knew what was ahead.  A drop so fast and so hard, it made your stomach rise up into your throat.  I am on that roller coaster.  Some moments it feels like the good kind.  The highs of a good cup of coffee and the sunshine, and my sweet baby laughing are the moments I am clinging to.  And then there are those moments when I am headed down the slope on the other side and I feel like my stomach is in my throat and I desperately long to get off the ride.  What was I thinking?!

I have watched countless people come and go in my chair as their hairapist.  Some are peaceful and we banter back and forth about the day to day kinds of things.  The weather, their kids, their job.  And then there are those who are struggling.  I mean really struggling.  Cancer, the loss of a child, a divorce, addiction.  And I have always listened carefully and if needed, I have tried to comfort those I can.  I never thought I was immune to heartache because Lord knows I have felt it before.  But these past few years, my life has been fairly good.  I have been raising my kids (with some struggles along the way) and buying a house and getting married.  I don’t know what happens when we settle into a comfortable routine of day to day living.  I don’t know if I thought I was immune to struggles.  I don’t know if I finally thought it was my turn to be happy.  But, I chose to turn a blind eye to a big problem.  And I have been asking myself over and over again, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS?

Even bigger than the problems we face in our lives is the reaction we get from others.  It is crazy to think when we haven’t walked in another’s shoes, we somehow think we know how to handle and advise them on their pain.  Heartbreak of any kind is so deeply personal.  Not one person handles it the same as another.  And, regardless of our best intentions, these things need to be handled in a tender way. 

I have made my fair share of mistakes through my pain.  I have shared too much.  And then there are times where I haven’t shared enough.  But, I had a moment of clarity last night.  I was on the phone with my little sister.  She has battled her fair share of demons.  I knew she was the one to call.  I knew she would understand my pain.  She simply said “why do you care what other people think”?  Excuse me for those I offend with the words…HOLY.  SHIT.  DUH!  I have felt so strongly for the past few months about what I needed to do to rectify my situation.  I have exhausted all resources available.  So why in the heck, when I had my own personal confirmation I was doing the right thing, am I worried about what others have to say?  HA!  I feel like she smacked me upside my head.  She jolted me back to my reality.  My truth is, I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to live an authentic life.  I deserve to be healthy and give my children the best mom possible.  No amount of negativity is going to change what I know in my heart to be true.

I am now on the roller coaster.  Strapped in.  Ready to go.  I am going to scream with fear at some points.  I am going to be excited about the anticipation at others.  But the one thing I now know for sure is, though I am not alone on the ride, the experience of it is mine.

Thank you little sis.  Last night, you were one of my angels.  And this morning, I can hear them singing again because of your wise words.  Even now, it amazes me how the “right” person is there at exactly the time when you need them the most.  We are never really alone.

Believe.