Deal Breakers

I went to see a mentor/friend of mine the other day.  I respect him and his opinion so much.  We started talking about deal breakers.  He said he could never be married to a smoker.  He could handle addiction, mental illness, etc but he simply couldn’t handle a smoker. 

When I have a client in my chair, and I think they need to change something in order to enhance their look, I have to choose my words very carefully.  There is a difference between respectful honesty, and a hurtful attack.  I hope I have never made the mistake of giving a client my opinion (when they have asked for it) and had it come across as anything more than my opinion, respectfully.  After all, I have no idea what this person sitting in my chair is going through.  I have no idea what their day was like before they sat down in my chair.  And, as I have mentioned before, I have no idea what baggage they carry with them from the past that I cannot see but is a part of who they are.  So, I am real and true, but not hurtful.

There will always be deal breakers in every relationship.  We may not say what they are to our friends, we may assume they are understood, but those closest to us know our Achilles heel.  Or do they?

Last night, my daughter received a call from her father.  In order for me to explain, let me give you a little history.  We met when I was 13.  He was 17.  I was smitten.  He was charismatic and charming.  And, my parents couldn’t stand him.  He was the perfect combination for the exciting start of some dramatic teenage years.  We drifted in and out of each other’s lives until we met up again at college.  I HAD to be with him.  The 13 year old in me still thought at 18 he was superman.  The dream guy.  And so started a very short term marriage two months to the day after my eighteenth birthday.  We weren’t married but maybe a year when the abuse started.  He was verbally abusive at first, then it got physical.  My deal breaker was the day we moved back to Maryland from Utah.  Our precious little girl was 4 months old and we were having a petty argument.  He picked me up and threw me down onto the carpet covered cement floor of the basement and knocked me out.  And, for me, that was the beginning of the end.

My daughter has always been the light of this man’s life.  He has treated her like a princess…until recently.  He now talks to her the same way he has talked to me for years.  As they talked last night, I was reminded of the deal breaker.  Once she got off the phone with him (in tears), I called him to “put out the fire”.  Evidently, it didn’t matter what I had to say.  He had an axe to grind.  And so I let him yell for a while and then said goodbye, never allowing my temper to get the best of me.

I decided it was time to have the conversation with my beautiful daughter about deal breakers.  After all, she is 16.  And, she needs to know now, there are certain things that are just unacceptable.  And, she has a choice and a voice as to whether she is going to allow herself to be put in a situation she doesn’t feel is healthy for her.  I didn’t say “Don’t talk to your Dad”.  I simply said “If anyone talks to you in a way that upsets you and you feel you don’t deserve, end it”.  Deal breaker.

I realize this has been a theme for me lately.  I believe my angels are trying to get me to reach deep within and figure out what my deal breakers are and respect myself enough to have boundaries.  By doing this, it doesn’t have to mean the other person is right or wrong, it simply means it doesn’t fit in with what WE have chosen for our own lives.  And, sadly, sometimes it means reevaluating relationships we hold the closest and possibly even letting them go.  Even if it is a father.  Even if it is a best friend of many years.  Even if it is your partner.  If it is the difference between being true to yourself and living a life you know isn’t what you want, it’s a deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing if you are sitting with someone blowing smoke in your face when that’s your deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing when your father or friend is yelling at you.  It’s a deal breaker.

What is your deal breaker?  Do you have people in your life close to you who push that boundary?  How do you handle it?  In my silence the past few days, I have allowed myself the quiet reflection of looking at myself.  If I am going to be a better hairapist, mother and friend, I want to make sure I am treating others with kindness, respect and love.  And, if you are hitting my Achilles heel, knowing it is my Achilles heel, it’s a deal breaker.

So to my dear beautiful oldest daughter, I say to you, be true to yourself.  Honor the woman you are becoming.  Figure out what your deal breakers are NOW so in the future, no matter who it is, you will know to walk away from any situation that isn’t for your higher good.  This life is meant to be one of happiness and peace.  If it is me or your father or anyone else who doesn’t respect that, tell them.  If the behavior doesn’t change, love yourself enough to distance yourself from those who are toxic.  Sometimes being you means being you alone.  And you don’t need others approval to know this.  Just chalk it up to a deal breaker.  And believe.

A couple things...

A couple things I have learned this week:

1.      It is impossible to make everyone happy.  And, at the end of the day, we each have our own path.  Better to be happy with your life than to live it for someone else.

2.     It is okay to ask for help.  And it comes from the places you would least expect it.  Don’t be so prideful that in times of need you don’t reach out to someone you trust and tell them you need help.  The right person will always be there at the right time.

3.     People will let you down.  Some of the people you thought you could rely on either can’t understand, don’t want you to make the choices you make, or simply don’t care to be supportive.  It’s not their fault.  It’s who they are.  And, it’s okay to be different.  But, it is also important to know when enough is enough.  Don’t allow these people in your space when you are vulnerable.  It can be dangerous.

4.     Facebook has been an addiction for me.  I had no idea how many times in a day I would pick up my phone to check on what others were doing out of habit.  I have deleted my account (for several reasons) and though I may at some point go back, for now, it has freed me of a vice I didn’t even realize I had.  I am happy to be off social media for now.  And, I am thankful it is one less way for my feathers to be ruffled by someone else’s “stuff”.

5.     I am a rock.  I may not be perfect and I may not always get it right, but at the end of the day, I stand up for what I believe in and I will always keep on fighting for myself, my kids and what I think is right.  After all, isn’t this the way we learn the lessons of life?

Believe.

The Roller Coaster

Do you remember the first time you rode on a roller coaster?  The anticipation of what was going to happen next was almost unbearable.  The click click click of the car moving up the track and you knew what was ahead.  A drop so fast and so hard, it made your stomach rise up into your throat.  I am on that roller coaster.  Some moments it feels like the good kind.  The highs of a good cup of coffee and the sunshine, and my sweet baby laughing are the moments I am clinging to.  And then there are those moments when I am headed down the slope on the other side and I feel like my stomach is in my throat and I desperately long to get off the ride.  What was I thinking?!

I have watched countless people come and go in my chair as their hairapist.  Some are peaceful and we banter back and forth about the day to day kinds of things.  The weather, their kids, their job.  And then there are those who are struggling.  I mean really struggling.  Cancer, the loss of a child, a divorce, addiction.  And I have always listened carefully and if needed, I have tried to comfort those I can.  I never thought I was immune to heartache because Lord knows I have felt it before.  But these past few years, my life has been fairly good.  I have been raising my kids (with some struggles along the way) and buying a house and getting married.  I don’t know what happens when we settle into a comfortable routine of day to day living.  I don’t know if I thought I was immune to struggles.  I don’t know if I finally thought it was my turn to be happy.  But, I chose to turn a blind eye to a big problem.  And I have been asking myself over and over again, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS?

Even bigger than the problems we face in our lives is the reaction we get from others.  It is crazy to think when we haven’t walked in another’s shoes, we somehow think we know how to handle and advise them on their pain.  Heartbreak of any kind is so deeply personal.  Not one person handles it the same as another.  And, regardless of our best intentions, these things need to be handled in a tender way. 

I have made my fair share of mistakes through my pain.  I have shared too much.  And then there are times where I haven’t shared enough.  But, I had a moment of clarity last night.  I was on the phone with my little sister.  She has battled her fair share of demons.  I knew she was the one to call.  I knew she would understand my pain.  She simply said “why do you care what other people think”?  Excuse me for those I offend with the words…HOLY.  SHIT.  DUH!  I have felt so strongly for the past few months about what I needed to do to rectify my situation.  I have exhausted all resources available.  So why in the heck, when I had my own personal confirmation I was doing the right thing, am I worried about what others have to say?  HA!  I feel like she smacked me upside my head.  She jolted me back to my reality.  My truth is, I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to live an authentic life.  I deserve to be healthy and give my children the best mom possible.  No amount of negativity is going to change what I know in my heart to be true.

I am now on the roller coaster.  Strapped in.  Ready to go.  I am going to scream with fear at some points.  I am going to be excited about the anticipation at others.  But the one thing I now know for sure is, though I am not alone on the ride, the experience of it is mine.

Thank you little sis.  Last night, you were one of my angels.  And this morning, I can hear them singing again because of your wise words.  Even now, it amazes me how the “right” person is there at exactly the time when you need them the most.  We are never really alone.

Believe.

A Journey of My Own

Because of what I do for a living, people automatically assume I am social all the time.  I think there is a little bit of a shock factor even for those close to me when I get very quiet before making a major life decision.  And, for some reason, I expect the people I love the most to jump on board my life train and cheer me on.  Why am I surprised when this doesn’t happen?! 

Each one of us is on our own journey.  There are people who come and go from our lives constantly.  Then there are the ones who even when you don’t talk regularly, they are there.

Before becoming a hairapist, I was a stay at home mom of three.  I was really good at it.  I made meals, went shopping (spending all of my husband’s hard earned money), did laundry, and made a best friend.  She was really good at spending money too.  We were the BEST of friends.  I would make cookies and make sure there was always an extra batch for her family.  I would sit out on her deck sipping iced tea while the kids swam in the pool.  I was living the dream right?  Not quite. 

My marriage was falling apart due to alcoholism, immaturity and a vast array of other bad decisions.  And, my BEST friend became a distant memory of what life used to be.  She became more and more distant.  Not understanding my decisions.  Heck, maybe not even respecting them.  After all, she was married to her high school sweetheart, and though they had their dysfunction, they were committed to making it work.  She slowly pulled away, and though I was hurt, I see her now and wonder how we were ever so close.  Our lives have taken two completely different paths.  Neither one better than the other, just different.

I knew when I made this series of decisions leading me to this place, I was healing myself and doing the right thing.  When your angels singing has dulled to a quiet hum and you are so lost in your day to day life trying to preserve the happiness of others before yourself, it is time to make a change.

I have visions for my future of doing things, big things to help others.  I love being behind the chair.  And, doing hair is my passion.  But, I am confident there will be more.  I have my list.  It’s a bucket list of sorts.  It is constantly being added to with things I know I  want to make happen in this life.  The most important things involve giving back to other people.

This list wasn’t going to happen without finding myself, being true to myself and of course above all else, hearing those angels again.  I don’t believe our angels ever leave us.  But I do believe when we are on a path of self destruction, we get so lost, WE fail to hear them.

I have spent the last couple of days watching the ones who have been there for me and coming to the acceptance of the ones who simply can’t do it.  The same way I have to live my life and be true to myself, they need to do the same.  Is life ever happening the way we thought it would?  While we are making plans, aren’t things usually happening just a little differently?  We do the best with what we are given. 

Even if I stand alone, this decision is the right one.  And the part I am most grateful for, is the time I am taking now to spend with my kids, exercise, feel the sun on my face and take care of ME.  I can’t be the hairapist I am meant to be without nurturing my soul.  So while I take this little hiatus from hair, I am going to be reaching the acceptance of those unable to understand, and embracing those that get it.  But even more than that, I am going to focus on what is right for me, my children, and listen a little closer to those angels.

The sun is rising now.  It’s time for a cup of coffee in the quiet of the morning before the chaos of the day starts.

We are never alone.  Ever.

Believe.

The Move

Though there are still boxes everywhere, we have officially moved.  It is a cute place.  I am blown away at the outpouring of love we received last week.  I haven’t had blood family here through the process but I have had something just as amazing.  The people who appeared at my house to help move me and the kids was incredible.  I get emotional even thinking of it now.  There were men who went straight to work loading a truck with all of the things they had taken apart.  Women packing all of my most precious things in paper and making sure nothing was broken.  And even homemade cookies.  Most importantly, through my tears, there was always someone there to hug me.  I love these people.  Some of them I hardly know, but I love them.  They are a true example of the love we all should have for one another.  And though I had to put my pride aside in order to accept their help, I am so thankful.  I will always remember the incredible acts of kindness I have received through this process.  And, I want to assure all of these wonderful people, I promise at some point to pay it forward.  Times like these, you realize who your “people” are.  And, I promise you, the ones you think will be there probably won’t.  And, the ones you would never expect will go out of their way to do anything they possibly can to help.  To those who have been there for me and my children, from the bottom of my heart, I say thank you. 

Today was a tough day at the salon.  Not only was I there for over twelve hours, but I have realized it is extremely difficult to be a hairapist when you are in the midst of your own stuff.  People come to me for a new look, for a moment of calm and to be pampered.  And, usually I deliver.  Today, I think I fell short.  I was a numb version of a usually positive, bubbly me.  I am confident I will get back to that.  After all, being a hairapist is what I was meant to do.  But, for right now, I have to acknowledge I am human.  And, it is okay to take time to heal before trying to help others.

I am going to be taking some time off.  I need to clear my head and sort through the emotions.  I need to take walks with my baby in the stroller.  I need to hang out with my older kids.  And, most importantly, I need to refill my cup.  After all, without my clients, I wouldn’t have the amazing job I do.  And I can’t continue with that amazing job unless I take a little “time out” and work through the emotion and exhaustion.

So, if you haven’t already, please make sure you subscribe to my blog.  Though it won’t always be incredible stories of the transformation of one of my clients, I can promise you it will be, for now, a combination of hairapy for both myself and others.  Two incredible things happen when you come out of the other side of a painful experience. First, you find out you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.  And second, if it is really worth fighting for, you realize you are happier because you accomplished what you thought was the impossible.

Believe.

The Darkest Time

I remember my first love like it was yesterday.  He was adorable.  A summer crush really.  But, it lasted several summers.  I also remember when he broke my heart.  I thought I would never recover.  And, here I sit somehow having made it through.

Then there was Titanic.  I remember sitting in the theater unable to move when it was over with the thought “I will never get over this movie”.  It seems laughable now but at the time, it was earth shattering to me.

When my parents divorced, though I was 22 and had a child of my own, I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.  I wondered if life would ever be the same.  It hasn’t been the same, but somehow, it has continued to move forward.

I remember as if it was last week the birth of each one of my amazing children.  Those four days were the most incredible, spiritual experiences I will ever have in my life.  I also remember the day my second oldest was fighting for his life on full ventilator support.  I wondered if I would ever be able to breathe again if I lost my son.  And somehow, I am still here. (With a stong 12 year old I might add). 

I committed to you dear reader, to share the good the bad and the ugly.  I wanted this blog to be authentic.  I wanted you to see “me”.  Not the me with makeup and hair done, but the inner me.  And, as we all walk around with our masks on, there is so much more underneath.

Tomorrow I embark on the next chapter of my life.  And, like pain I have felt in the past, it will be painful.  And unlike a shot at the doctor’s office, it won’t be over in a second.  It will take months…years to bounce back.  But, some things are not meant to be forever.  And well, playing the blame game just doesn’t seem worth it.  It takes two people to end a relationship.  Two people who for whatever reason can’t work through the “yuck” life puts in our way.  It doesn’t mean the world is ending.  It simply means it is time for a change.

I know the person I made forever commitments to is still a person I will have in my life forever.  I hope at some point when we get past the hurt and anger, we can reach a point of forgiveness.  I hope for the sake of everyone involved there will be the recognition there are three sides to every story.  And, lashing out only hurts the littlest people involved.

If you my dear reader have ever been through something tough like I am describing, there are always two choices.  One, stay and make it work.  Two, try and make it work and if it doesn’t, move on.  We have made the choice to close this chapter and start a new one.

Why am I putting all of this “out there” do you ask?  Because I want YOU to know, you are not alone.  And, I want you to know, it is okay to say “this isn’t working”.  We each have to follow our own inner voice.  We each deserve to live our truth and to hear our angels singing.

I know I was meant to be here to help other people.  Unfortunately, I did not know the hurt I would experience in the process.  But I remember a childhood movie “The Sword in the Stone”.  A great little song “For every high there is a low, for every to there is a fro.  To and fro. Stop and go.  That’s what makes the world go round”…it is time to keep on moving ahead.  This might be one of my lows, but I have faith in the angels, I will reach a high again.

As I go through life’s hardest struggles, my chatty self becomes one of quiet reflection.  I contemplated all night whether or not to post.  But, if I am going to be authentic, it needs to be in the good and the bad.  I can’t be worried about “everyone” and their opinion.  Too many times, we worry about “everyone”…who is “everyone” really?  We make this idea up in our head that the whole world is judging us based on our own personal journey.  There will be more than a small few who will judge.  But remember my friend, they aren’t walking in your shoes.  They aren’t walking in mine.  And the only one in the mirror at the end of the day is you.

My bags are packed.  The keys are in hand.  And the hope for peace is there.  Never lose hope.  There will always be a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.  Some tunnels are just a little longer than others.

And, if the tunnel is that dark, make sure you bring your lantern.  Thank the heavens above the angels keeps singing even in the darkest of times.

Believe.