The Roller Coaster

Do you remember the first time you rode on a roller coaster?  The anticipation of what was going to happen next was almost unbearable.  The click click click of the car moving up the track and you knew what was ahead.  A drop so fast and so hard, it made your stomach rise up into your throat.  I am on that roller coaster.  Some moments it feels like the good kind.  The highs of a good cup of coffee and the sunshine, and my sweet baby laughing are the moments I am clinging to.  And then there are those moments when I am headed down the slope on the other side and I feel like my stomach is in my throat and I desperately long to get off the ride.  What was I thinking?!

I have watched countless people come and go in my chair as their hairapist.  Some are peaceful and we banter back and forth about the day to day kinds of things.  The weather, their kids, their job.  And then there are those who are struggling.  I mean really struggling.  Cancer, the loss of a child, a divorce, addiction.  And I have always listened carefully and if needed, I have tried to comfort those I can.  I never thought I was immune to heartache because Lord knows I have felt it before.  But these past few years, my life has been fairly good.  I have been raising my kids (with some struggles along the way) and buying a house and getting married.  I don’t know what happens when we settle into a comfortable routine of day to day living.  I don’t know if I thought I was immune to struggles.  I don’t know if I finally thought it was my turn to be happy.  But, I chose to turn a blind eye to a big problem.  And I have been asking myself over and over again, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THIS?

Even bigger than the problems we face in our lives is the reaction we get from others.  It is crazy to think when we haven’t walked in another’s shoes, we somehow think we know how to handle and advise them on their pain.  Heartbreak of any kind is so deeply personal.  Not one person handles it the same as another.  And, regardless of our best intentions, these things need to be handled in a tender way. 

I have made my fair share of mistakes through my pain.  I have shared too much.  And then there are times where I haven’t shared enough.  But, I had a moment of clarity last night.  I was on the phone with my little sister.  She has battled her fair share of demons.  I knew she was the one to call.  I knew she would understand my pain.  She simply said “why do you care what other people think”?  Excuse me for those I offend with the words…HOLY.  SHIT.  DUH!  I have felt so strongly for the past few months about what I needed to do to rectify my situation.  I have exhausted all resources available.  So why in the heck, when I had my own personal confirmation I was doing the right thing, am I worried about what others have to say?  HA!  I feel like she smacked me upside my head.  She jolted me back to my reality.  My truth is, I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to live an authentic life.  I deserve to be healthy and give my children the best mom possible.  No amount of negativity is going to change what I know in my heart to be true.

I am now on the roller coaster.  Strapped in.  Ready to go.  I am going to scream with fear at some points.  I am going to be excited about the anticipation at others.  But the one thing I now know for sure is, though I am not alone on the ride, the experience of it is mine.

Thank you little sis.  Last night, you were one of my angels.  And this morning, I can hear them singing again because of your wise words.  Even now, it amazes me how the “right” person is there at exactly the time when you need them the most.  We are never really alone.

Believe.