The Game Changer

Jane has only been a client of mine for about six months now.  She came to me because she needed a new look.  She is a beautiful middle aged woman who had gotten lost in her daughter’s drug addiction.  The very first time she came to me, she was candid about her struggles.  We had many parallels in our lives.  I believe this is why she felt so comfortable to talk to me about her situation.  While we worked on a new sassy ‘do for Jane, she talked to me about all of the sacrifices she made in order to get her daughter away from the drugs and negative influences.  Jane had put her own happiness on the line in order to “save” her daughter.

Jane has reached out to me several times asking how to get her angels to sing.  I got up this morning at 4 am and had an “aha” moment.  I know it was meant to be shared with Jane, but more importantly, I know the message was for me too.  I realized I can’t rest until I share it.  So for all you “Jane’s” out there, here it is…

I had a game changer moment this morning Jane.  I realized WE can’t live for someone else’s happiness or safety.  Sure, she is your daughter.  And you were blessed to be her mom.  But, she is grown now.  And you can’t save her.  You can be there as a support to her but you can’t put a protective bubble around her and keep her from going back to something if it is what she chooses.  And while you are trying to keep her from the things she may or may not go back to, you are completely neglecting YOU.

Living in fear of the “what if” is not living.  It is clinging onto a branch like a kitten in a tree.  We are hoping we don’t fall.   But, by thinking about the fall, we are creating the inevitable.  Whether it is our own “stuff” or someone else’s, we can’t change what “is”.  It is up to us to live each day as authentically as possible.

So, Jane (and this is for me too), we need to stop living for others and start doing what is right for us.  It might mean hurt.  It might mean pain.  But, if you aren’t taking care of YOU, who will?  I have faith if we both do this, our angels will sing louder than ever.  We are each here to grow individually.  We might have the help and support of others, but we can’t get lost in them.  It means losing our own way.  And, I don’t know about you but I am completely exhausted from living like this.

When you stop for a moment, and it is just you and the quiet, ask yourself this:  Am I living authentically?  Or am I doing what I feel obligated to do?  Am I being the person I am meant to be?  Or am I putting other’s needs before my own?   We each have our own angels singing.  Some of us are just more careful to listen.  I’m ready to start listening a little closer.  Are you?

Believe.

My Absence

My blogging has been rather quiet lately.  I have had messages and requests for posts.  And though I can attribute some of it to my mountain getaway, it doesn’t really explain it all.

I have been working like crazy to catch up with my clients.  Business is busier than ever and though it is stressful, when I walk into my creative space, I feel like I come alive.  Every client sitting in my chair is the potential for something amazing.  I am allowed the privilege of making magic happen.  And, sometimes, I don’t quite hit the mark.

Yesterday, I had a client come in for her second visit.  She is a referral from a dear friend of mine.  When she left her appointment the first time, she was THRILLED!  She couldn’t say enough about how happy she was to find me.  Her cut was exactly what she wanted.  She walked out of the salon with a skip in her step and once again, I was happy to see another person so happy.  But yesterday…well, yesterday was different.  Carol came into the salon and the moment she walked through the door, I knew something wasn’t right.  She was quiet and sullen.  Her makeup and hair were done and she looked polished as she had the first time, but she seemed low.  I don’t know how I know these things.  But, after doing hair for so many years, I have learned to read people’s body language.  It was evident something was very wrong.

Once Carol sat in the chair, I proceeded to do the usual.  I asked her how her cut had worked for her and what we needed to do to get her the same look.  All of a sudden I was thrown into a very direct (repeated several times) description of how awful the last few weeks with this cut had been for her.  Yikes.  Now, my first response was to shut down.  My internal dialogue was something like this.  “Holy crap.  I messed up.  She is unhappy.  And now, she is repeating over and over again how unhappy she is…what am I going to do.  I am not meant to be a hairdresser.  She is not meant to be my client.  What is wrong with me?”  Outwardly, I sat quietly and took it all in.  Once she was repeating the unhappy details of the past few weeks for the third time, I calmly stepped in, assured her I knew how to fix it and started to stand to shampoo her.  She sat in the chair, leaned her head into the bowl, and I said a quiet prayer I would be able to deliver a good cut.  Sounds silly, but I felt a tremendous amount of pressure.  Clearly, I was not what she needed right?  WRONG.  Once Carol had her head in the shampoo bowl and I started to wash her hair, she opened up about her life.  Something tragic is going on with her son.  She was so sorry if she sounded negative.  She wasn’t even sure she should keep her appointment with me.  And then the tears began to flow.  And, my heart turned from defensive to compassion.  Yes, she wasn’t happy with her cut, but there was so much going on in her life and well, it wasn’t all about me.

I have been thinking about Carol since yesterday.  I have prayed for her and her family.  And, I have reflected on the number of times I have assumed everything was great in someone else’s life while mine wasn’t exactly going as planned.  I have thought about how many times I will think the person in my chair has a chip on their shoulder and immediately, I take it personally. 

Carol was another reminder.  When someone is short tempered, quiet (out of their usual temperament), or overly critical, it probably isn’t about us.  Each one of us walks around with the weight of our own adversity.  Sometimes, we have a spring in our step.  Life is good.  And then there are those times, the really tough times, where we can’t hide what is really weighing on our hearts.

My blog has been quiet these days because just like Carol, my heart is heavy right now.  It isn’t the worst “stuff” I have ever been through.  And, I am sure I will face much worse at some point in my life.  But, as I have commited to you the reader to be completely authentic, it seems wrong to boost you with stories of my angels singing when quite frankly right now, I can’t even hear them quietly humming to me.

I will always be the hairapist who gives one hundred and fifty percent to the person in my chair.  But, the reality is, when I am not behind the chair, I am human.  I face my own struggles.  And even though I am strong, there are times where I feel like the weight of the world is just more than I can bare.  I felt Carol’s pain yesterday because I was going through my own pain.  And, I believe together, we helped each other.  She reminded me it is okay to let it out when things get tough.  And, if we are going to feel pure joy, there has to be a time where we feel the pain of life too.

As I sit here sipping my morning cup of coffee, I am reminded today is a new day.  Though the painful situation is still there and I am not ready to talk about it, I will acknowledge the pain, and tuck it somewhere deep within in order to do my job.  I will continue to give my all to my clients, my family and my friends.  And, with faith, I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Tears are okay.  What follows after the biggest storms?  A rainbow.  No matter how long it takes, I will get through this.  And, so will Carol.  And whatever you might be facing, you too will get through it.  Even when it doesn’t feel like it, we are never truly alone.  I know my angels never stop singing.  I need to listen a little closer.

What about you?  What are you facing right now?  Do you have the heavy weight of adversity on you?  This too shall pass, right?

Believe. 

Mountain Getaway

It is very rare for this hairapist to take a time out.  As a mother of four, it takes so much plotting and planning to escape from the day to day chaos.  Many times, even though I hear the little voice telling me to take a break, I ignore it and continue on with the day to day routine.

But this past weekend, I relented.  And it was amazing.  I have always considered myself more of a beach person.  Warm weather, the sunshine and the breeze from the ocean…ahhh.  But, this beach bum decided to follow the lead of her husband and head to the mountains.  Not just any cabin in the mountains, but a cabin all by itself at the top of a mountain.  The view was incredible.  The cabin immaculate and cozy.  And, here are a few of the things I learned on this incredible getaway:

11.      Everyone needs a break.  Mountains, beach, staycation, doesn’t matter.  It is necessary.  And mine was WAY overdue.

22.     Trying something new for your vacation can be incredible.  This mountain getaway now goes down in history as my most relaxing escape (even beating out Jamaica, mon).

33.     Food is even better when you don’t have to cook it.  We ate at some amazing places and I enjoyed every last calorie (my personal trainer will make me pay for this).

44.     People seem to enjoy life a little more here in the mountains.  The pace is a little slower and well, the people are friendlier.

55.     I will always love people watching.  And we did plenty of it while here.  And incredibly, my inner hairdresser wasn’t obsessing over ways to fix people. (I know, shocking)

66.     When you are passionate about something, you will draw people to you with the same passion regardless of the circumstances.  We had massages at an incredible spa.  The owner had a story so similar to mine.  She was amazing.  And, another reminder, we can make our dreams come true.

77.     Every mom needs a break.  And after a few days, that same mom misses her kids and can’t wait to get back to her chaos.  I love my children more because I have had a break from them.  It has made me stop and appreciate the four blessings I have in my life.

88.     A few days makeup free is liberating.  When you are in a business where you have to be made up day in and day out, it is nice to be in comfy clothes and no makeup and still feel beautiful.  I even went without doing my hair a day or two!

99.     I wish we had a fireplace at our house.  There is something so soothing about sitting in front of a fire.  My husband and I loved the fireplace so much, the first night, we slept on couches just so we could enjoy the crackle of the fireplace.

110.                          I need to stop and take a break more often.  I will go home renewed, refreshed and ready to take on some hair.  Timeouts are healing.  I’m so thankful I finally got one.

So when was the last time you took a break?  Are you able to hear your angels singing?  Or are you so exhausted mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you’re living life on automatic pilot?

Big shout out to the two people (my mother and my sister in law) for making this trip happen.  Babies have a sixth sense.  They know you are getting ready to escape and somehow they get sick at just the right time to make you cancel your getaway.  Luckily, we had these great people to help us get away.

I hope you get a break soon.  And, if you need a place to go, I know a great cabin in the mountains.

Believe

The Plan

Being a mother of four, it takes major planning to get a kid free weekend.  Usually, the entire week before the weekend, there is anticipation of the time off.  I work a little more so I can enjoy my break.  And, right now I am making it sound like these breaks happen regularly.  The truth is, I haven’t had a break in a few years now.  So, the idea of leaving four kids and being in a cabin in the middle of nowhere was greatly anticipated.  No specific time to wake up.  No breakfast to cook for anyone.  No responsibilities.  I didn’t care about cold weather, possible snow, or the drive to and from.  I was feeling like a Calgon commercial from the 80’s. (“Take me away!”)  And then it happened.

Little one has strep throat for the first time.  And, understandably so, no one is going to want to keep a fussy baby while we run away from our responsibilities.  Let’s face it, when a child is sick, it takes everything in the parent to continue to run on empty.  Sleepless nights, excessive crying.  I can’t sell someone else on the idea of a glamorous weekend with a child I can hardly handle.

And, so I get angry.  WHY ME?  It is again so childish.  My inner three year old, throwing one of her tantrums again.  Embarassingly, I have been internally having these tantrums quite frequently lately.  And, the way it displays itself is in a short tempered mom who likes to mutter words under her breath that shouldn’t be put in a blog.  I am bitter and angry.  (Doesn’t this make you want to call me up and hang out?   Not.)

I woke up this morning now with a scratchy throat and the hopes it isn’t the same thing the baby has.  I am going to put on my workout clothes and hope it motivates me to sweat out the bitter today.  While I work out, I am going to remind myself I am not in control.  Life happens, right?  It amazes me at 37 years old, I somehow still seem to think I am in charge.  And, if I push everyone hard enough, things will fall into place the way I think they should.  If I just plan enough, everything will work out.  Uh, yea…not so much.

Instead of planning today, I am going to take it minute by minute.  Not even hour by hour.  I am going to accept this weekend is not going to be what I thought it was.  And, I am going to embrace whatever it is supposed to be.  Clearly, there is a lesson the angels have for me.  Though it doesn’t involve a weekend getaway, I have decided I am going to listen.  And embrace it.  After all, babies aren't little forever.  Maybe I am supposed to hold mine a little closer this weekend.  

Believe.

I can't.

I have a major case of the “I can’ts”.  You know what I mean.  The days where you “can’t” do anything you need or want to do.  I can’t workout because I am too tired.  I can’t get enough sleep because of a teething baby.  I can’t lose weight because I don’t have time to make healthy meals today.  I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Now, normally, I am a go getter.  I am the girl who decides to workout and I go for it.  I decide I am going to eat right, and suddenly I am a culinary mastermind of gluten free recipes.  So what the heck has happened?

Life happened.  And, some days, if I could I would just say “FORGET IT” and crawl under the covers and go back to bed and forget the world was going on right outside my window.  It’s not “I can’t”.  It is the three year old in me, throwing myself on the ground and having a temper tantrum because things aren’t going my way.  I had a plan!  I was going to sleep 8 hours last night.  I was going to workout this morning.  I was going to make a day’s worth of healthy snacks for work.  People, NONE of that has happened.  I was up all night with a baby who is either teething or possessed.  I am now running on three hours of sleep and the treadmill seems like a mountain I am not willing or capable of climbing.  And meals?  HA!  I just sat here with a baby on my chest, coffee next to me and a donut (okay, two) inhaled while barely chewing.  

It’s not “I can’t”.  It’s just life.  And today, it is kicking my butt.  And well, yesterday it kicked my butt too.  So, I am going to let my inner three year old have a tantrum of “I don’t wanna’s” and I am then going to pick myself up and dust myself off.  And, I guess I am going to keep on keeping on. 

We don’t get a say in what happens around us.  We can plan all we want.  I am a master planner!  The thing is, most times, things don’t go according to my plans.  And today, I am going to tell myself I am okay with that.  It doesn’t mean I have failed.  It simply means it isn’t up to me.  I am a mere player in a bigger game called life.  I can either slap a smile on my face, and do the best I can, or I can let it get to me.  Who suffers if I pull the covers up over my head anyway? 

I will be heading to work shortly.  On three hours of sleep.  And, all the while wondering how my baby is doing.  And, reminding myself of the overwhelming piles of laundry and dishes.  I’ll probably go to work with a protein shake and a coffee.   Today, that will have to do.  And the silver lining (because there has to be one) will be every head of hair this hairapist gets to transform.  And, for every little thing bothering me, there is something so much bigger going on for someone else in the world.  Who knows.  Maybe the someone else will be in my chair.  Maybe, just maybe, I am needed today for something greater.  Workout or not, I am going to roll with it.  And, I am going to let the angels sing.  And today, I might ask them to carry me through my day too.

So what is your burden today?  Have you asked your angels to carry you through?

Believe.  I do.

Bosom Friends

“A bosom friend–an intimate friend, you know–a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul.”- Anne of Green Gables

It is rare to meet someone and know almost instantly, you were meant to know them.  I have a few people like this in my life.  And, during the really tough times, I appreciate them the most.

A hairapist is usually listening to the troubles of others.  Whether it’s about hair or life, we try hard to take it all in and help where we can.  And, then there are those times, when we are burdened with our own “stuff” and need a person to hear our woes.  Yesterday was one of those days for me.  And one of my dear friends listened to me cry and helped me through.

I believe sometimes, our angels are singing and we are too caught up in feeling the bad stuff in life to hear the good.  And, in these times, it’s the support and love of those around us we trust who help us stop and listen.  And a simple phone call was all it took for me.  Crazy to think I can have another person on the end of the phone and as we talk, the angels start to sing.  And, I know she heard them too.

Peace doesn’t come from having all the answers.  Peace comes from asking for help, and then turning it over to a power greater than ourselves.  Most of the things in life we face that bring us to our knees are so much easier to carry with the help of a “bosom friend”.  So, today, I am thankful for my dear friend who helped me yesterday.  And for the many friends in days past who have been there for me regardless of the circumstances.  After all, we are all in this together.  On some level, we are all connected.  Some more closely than others, but when we are suffering, it is never alone.

Who are you thankful for today?

Believe.

The Longest Winter. Ever.

This has been THE LONGEST WINTER EVER.  Really.  I don’t think I saw this much snow when I lived at the base of the mountains in Utah.  I feel like mother nature is the enemy.  She doesn’t want me to see clients, run errands, and she definitely thinks me being within four walls with four kids for days on end is a good idea.  If she were a person, I have thoughts of punching her in the face.  I mean, she obviously doesn’t care I have things to do.  And, thoughts of those things run through my mind endlessly because I am anticipating her throwing another storm at me.  So, I won’t be cutting hair or running to Target for the 100^th time.  She is so rude.

When I got the recording from the school this morning, (I now know it by heart), I tearfully cursed under my breath and realized I will be in the same situation I have been in way too many times this year.  No session with the personal trainer today.  No doctor’s appointments or dental appointments.  All the running around for kids I have been dreading all weekend.

Then I stopped.  Why on Earth would I curse this mother nature chick for giving me exactly what I needed?  A day at home with four of the most amazing people in my life.  A baby who has just started to crawl.  (Everywhere).  A teenager who will soon be graduating in just a few short months.  And two boys who make me laugh daily. 

So, Miss Mother Nature,  I am going to give you this one.  I am going to embrace what will probably be the last snow day of the year.  I am going to let the day be what it is supposed to be.  A day with my favorite people.  A day of rest.  A day to embrace the little things I miss on a day to day basis.  I am going to thank you for making me stop today.  And, most importantly, while I am out shoveling the driveway I am going to thank you for the extra workout I will get this week.

To all of my facebook peeps, is complaining about it really going to do anything?  Nah.  So, Justin Berk, I am going to let you have this one.  Though I don’t have “faith in the flakes” as you want me to, I do have faith that today I am exactly where I am meant to be.  And, I’m pretty sure, I just heard those angels singing.

Believe.

Patience. Right. Now.

Sally was once a close friend of mine.  Over the years we have drifted apart.  I don’t think it was one circumstance pulling us apart but rather our paths took different directions.  She is still a client of mine.  She is a “right now” kind of girl.  Whether it is the latest pair of shoes or the newest purse from Coach, she HAS to have it.  Now, when I say she has to have it, I don’t mean, she saves up and waits till it is on sale.  I mean, come hell or high water, she will be out the very day she sees it and buy it.  Okay, impulsive would be a great word.

Now, most hairdressers would read this and think “she must have amazing hair”.  WRONG.  She is a dark brunette who wants long platinum blonde.  Yesterday.  I have tried having the “come to Jesus” talk with her.  This talk only happens when things are really serious.  When I feel like I have tried every other way, I resort to sitting in front of the client and bluntly spelling it out for them.  You are not Kim Kardashian.  You are not Jennifer Aniston.  And, the rules are the rules of hair no matter who you are.  You can’t go from almost black hair to blonde (when you have been pulling color through your ends for years) in a day.  It takes TIME.  And it isn’t on YOUR time.  It is a process.

Sally came in the other day and said, “My husband doesn’t think I am blonde enough.  Do whatever you have to!”  And with a deep sigh, I told her the same thing I have told her for months…no wait, years now (because we have been through this before).  It goes something like this. Me: “You want long hair right?”  Sally: “Yes, but I WANT blonde.  And my husband likes me blonde.  Like Penny blonde.  I want my hair like hers.”  Me:  “You are not Penny.  If your husband wanted a blonde as light as Penny, he probably should have married one (yes I said it.) Please be patient.  I told you I will get you as light as possible but if we do it the way you are wanting to do it, it is going to end up with your hair on the floor.  And you will be sporting a cute pixie.”  Sally “Just do it.  I don’t care.  I want it blonder.  And if I have to cut it, oh well.”  Yea, riggggght.  After many of these conversations, I finally decided because I have known Sally for so long, and she wasn’t listening, and things had to be on her time, I couldn’t fight that battle anymore.  I had made it very clear what was going to happen.  What more could I do?  Yes, I could refuse to do her hair, but because we have been friends for so long, I didn’t feel that was an option.

Sally left the salon last night with a very blonde, very cute chin length bob.  We had to cut about 8 inches off.   I do have to say, it looked amazing.  But, the last thing she wanted was short hair.  Aaaand, well, I don’t mind being right every once in awhile.

How many times have we asked the angels to sing on our time?  How many times have we insisted on an answer to our “problem” RIGHT. NOW.  It may not end up with our hair on the floor, but did it end up in another challenge we might have avoided had we given things time to unfold naturally?

One of my favorite sayings is “Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair.  It passes the time, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”  I encourage you to ask your angels to sing.  To listen for them.  And most of all, to be patient.  After all, it isn’t REALLY on our time.

Believe.

Adversity

As some of you may know, I am on a mission to better my personal health.  I have struggled for several years now with an autoimmune disease.  The symptoms range in severity and aren’t constant.  But, I never know when I will be hit with a flare.  These flares make work much more difficult.  Sometimes, when I wake up and feel the pain, I wonder if I am going to be able to continue doing what I love for much longer.  Yikes.  So, I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer and renewed my commitment to myself.  I refuse to allow this “disease” to take me from what I have worked so hard for.  My passion and one of the things I look forward to doing every day.

Now where in the heck does a mom of four have time to work out?  Yea, I really don’t.  But, I need to be a priority.  So, I am up at 5:30 am, six days a week to work on me.  During this time, I start on the treadmill and I usually listen to an audio book.  And, if it’s a really good book, I find myself listening to it in the car and any spare second I can.   Currently, I am listening to Iyanla Vanzant.  She is a spiritual advisor, life coach and author.  I have always wondered how people come to a place where they are able to advise other people on how to live and be happy.  By listening to her book, I am realizing exactly how this happens.  She has been through HELL and back!  No joke.  I find myself sitting in the car unable to control the tears as I listen to her story.  Abuse, neglect.  A legacy of pain which started well before she was even born.  And, somehow, she has risen above it all and her angels are singing.  Through her own personal adversity, she helps others recognize and listen to their angels singing.

I believe there are two kinds of people.  There are the people who take their struggles and personal adversity and they turn it into a reflection.  A life lesson.  And they allow themselves to feel the pain at the deepest center of themselves.  Then, they turn it over to a source greater than themselves.  Pick up, dust their knees off and keep on going.

Then there are those who stay on their knees.  And, fixate on the hurt.  They find some sort of comfort in the pain.  But is it really easier to sit in your stuff?

I have a sweet little 8 month old baby who is trying to learn how to crawl.  She scoots backwards on the floor, stuffing herself uncomfortably under the furniture.  She gets so mad!  She will whine and fuss till someone comes and rescues her.  And then, we sit her in the middle of the floor and start the process over again.  She doesn’t give up.  She instinctively keeps on going.  Where do we lose this drive?  The determination to crawl before we walk?  And more importantly, the belief in ourselves we CAN do it!

I have a client who we will call Vicky.  Vicky has been a client of mine for a long time.  She is a beautiful older woman.  Dresses nice.  Cute haircut, (of course).  She always comes in looking poised and put together.  Vicky is miserable.  She is on a course of self destruction.  She finds something upsetting about every aspect of her life.  In her mind, she is a victim in every way.  Now, as I have told you before, the hairapist in me wants to do more than just give her a great cut and color.  But, over the years, I have found her misery has increased and her self worth has decreased.  For a hairapist, this is heartbreaking.  I desperately long to help Vicky.  I want her to hear her angels sing.  I want to tell her it is all in her.  I want to help.  But, the reality is, she is unwilling to see the problem.  And so, Vicky walks around with a great cut, cute clothes and makeup and a giant chip on her shoulder.  Instead of trying to talk her through it like I used to, I pray for her.  I pray she will find peace and I pray she will at some point hear her angels singing. 

Are you holding yourself back from hearing your angels sing?  Are you going through something today, this week, this month that is so much greater than you it is almost unbearable?  Are you going to stuff yourself under the furniture and whine?  Or are you going to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and try to figure out the life lesson?

I promise you, your angels are singing.  Do you hear them?

Believe.

Football

Being a mother of four, my life is very busy.  I spend so much time in the salon but I spend even more time with four of the most amazing little people in the world.  And, though this blog is about “hairapy”, if you haven’t caught on yet, it’s about life.  And sometimes, the biggest lessons are from the little people.

My 12 year old son is passionate about football.  He has had a coach and a team for outdoor football he has connected with and formed a bond for the past three years.  So, I was surprised this year when he said he wanted to try indoor.  Though I knew he was a pretty good player, I felt much of his passion came from the familiarity of his teammates.  These kids have a bond.  And, because my son is one of the older players on the team, he makes the effort to be a leader when out on the field.

I had major reservations (and still do) about indoor football.  The setting is completely different.  It is no longer about weight limits and teamwork.  It is based on age regardless of the size of the kids.  And, what I thought would be a fun rec sport has become a series of nights with many complaints of an aching body and the bruises to show it.  I know, I know, I sound like the overprotective mom.  Hey guess what?  I probably am.  But, even through the complaining, he has continued to get in the practices and many times his 113 pound frame is put up against a teammate who is at least 50 to 70 pounds heavier.

It’s been two weeks.  And, the bruises are getting a little darker.  So, the mom in me couldn’t take it anymore.  I sat him down and asked him if he wanted to continue.  Now, I wasn’t saying “take the easy way out and quit” but rather, did we get in over our heads? (Yes, we.)  He was adamant about finishing out the season.  “No Mom, I want to keep playing.  It will toughen me up for outdoor.”  “But, bud, I am worried about how big these kids are next to you.  It just seems crazy to me to have you getting so beat up at practice and you haven’t even had a game yet.” “Yea, I know Mom.  But it will make me a better player.  And at least I get the ball.”  “Are you going to want to do this again next year?” “Heck no.  But I am going to finish what I started.”

I have been thinking about this for the past two days since we had our talk.  Here is this young kid, loving a sport so much, and yet he is in over his head.  And he is going to keep going and finish out the season.  How many times have we “quit” or given up when the going gets tough?  The circumstances aren’t what we thought we signed up for.  Do we bail?  Or do we make the best of it and let the life lesson make us a better person for the next season?

Little people continue to amaze me.

Believe.

The Ponytail

If you are someone who knows me well, you probably already know much of what I am going to say on this subject.  The ponytail is not something I take lightly.  I think it is great if you are working out, cleaning house, taking care of your kids, etc..  But, the reality is, if you are the one watching the ponytail walk down the street, you will know it looks like exactly what it is named after.  A horse’s a@#!  Why this look has become something some women wear 80 percent of the time so they can avoid the fact they have no desire to cut the long mane into a fashionable style is beyond me. 

Brenda is a client I have had for a very long time.  She has been growing her hair out since the day I met her.  She has a beautiful cut.  Okay, I did the cut so I might be a little biased.  BUT, she has this long layered cut and her hair is gorgeous.  Problem is, every time I see her around town at the grocery store or at a social event…yep, you guessed it.  A ponytail. 

Now in my mind, when I send a client out the door with this amazing new look and a blowout to die for, I picture them waking up every day and walking out of the house looking like that.  The reality is, we all have to live our lives and some days, that doesn’t include “doing” our hair.  But if you are walking around with a ponytail (aka horse’s “beep”) MOST of the time, it may be time to evaluate your hair situation.  Maybe you need a new ‘do.

Doesn’t this apply to life?  What else are you stuck in a rut with?  Are you getting out of bed every morning and doing the same thing just because?  Maybe it isn’t a ponytail.  Maybe it is the same clothing you have been wearing for years.  The yoga pants, have gone from a nice black to a greenish tinged mess with a couple holes here and there.  Or maybe it is more than that.  Maybe you are waking up to the same job…that you HATE. 

I call this syndrome “the-kid-in-the-corner”.  It is the kid in the corner of the room complaining he/she is overweight and eating donuts while saying it.  Why complain if you are unwilling to make the change?!  The people around you get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again when you do nothing to try and make the move toward your own personal happiness.  Most times it isn’t because of the complaining but rather because they care.  Doesn’t everyone deserve to have some happiness?

So, if you are sitting here reading this with your hair piled high in a ponytail and realize you have been wearing said ponytail longer than you can remember wearing it down.  Please.  Make a move.  A fresh cut.  A new style.  A renewed you.

And remember, it might not be the ponytail for you.  Whatever it is, be brave enough to make a change and get out of your comfort zone.  You never know what might be waiting for you.

Believe.

The Power of Assuming

Pearl had been a client of mine for about a year when she just disappeared.  I have other clients who are friends with her and when I asked what happened to her, I was told she had another baby and was very busy.  Now Pearl was driving quite a distance to see me, so I assumed this excuse was legit but in the back of my mind was still a little doubt.  Was she not happy with her highlights?  I rarely lose a client.  What could I have done?  Maybe she wasn’t happy with her last service.  Maybe I said something she didn’t like.  Were my prices too much for her?

Linda was a close friend for a long time.  And though she was much younger than I was, we clicked immediately.  I felt like I had another sister.  She was there for me as if she was brought into my life at exactly the right time.  And then, I got pregnant and we drifted apart.  Did I do something?  Did she not want me in her life anymore?  What happened?  And, of course I assumed the worst.  And, because I was assuming the worst, I didn’t get in touch with her because the thought of what it might be was not something I wanted to face.

Sound familiar?

Why do we assume the worst?  And, even if it is the worst case scenario, wouldn’t it be better to know?  Too many times when faced with something where we can’t fill in the blanks, we fill them in for ourselves.  And, many times what we assume isn’t what really IS at all.

I believe people come into our lives in a season.  Whether it is a client in my chair or a friend who I meet at just the “right” time, I need them.   Or, maybe they even need me.  And then, many times, due to circumstances life puts in front of us, we go our separate ways.  Does there always have to be some conflict making it an uncomfortable separation?  After all, we weren’t married.  We didn’t have a fight.  We didn’t have words and then walk away feeling the pain of a broken relationship.  It’s life.  And, for every season, we are presented with the people we need to teach us the lessons of our lives.  So, instead of feeling guilty that our lives didn’t continue to follow the same path, what about embracing our own path and wishing them well on theirs?  No drama, just peace.  And gratitude for the season we shared together.

Pearl came back to me.  She was in my chair just yesterday.  She has four kids now just like me.  We had so much to catch up on.  And she explained how difficult it was to get childcare to come and see me.  She told me how much she has missed my services and conversation.  She brought pictures of her hair during the time I used to do it and said she wants to get back to that look.  WOHOO! 

I reached out to Linda because I couldn’t shake the feeling maybe I had done something to offend her.  We exchanged messages and chalked it up to a misunderstanding.  She is in a different phase in her life than I am now.  But, she is happy.  And accomplishing the goals she always talked about.  I am at peace because now I know instead of wondering at the back of my mind what happened.

Life is too short to assume we know it all.  And though the struggles we are experiencing may not be the same as someone else’s, we all have struggles.  I think I am going to try assuming less and reaching out more.  What have you been assuming about another?  Have you thought to reach out?

Believe.

Kindness

Many times when a new client visits me for the first time, they are somewhat taken aback.  Now, when I say this, I am sure Penny is laughing.  I am very passionate about hair.  And, I am my authentic hairapist self from the first moment a new client walks in the door.  Yes, my mind is racing with all the ideas I have for them before they even speak.  But, even more importantly, I want to give them the best experience (or even best first experience) with a hairapist.  I give a thorough consultation.  I really want to know what YOU are all about.  It matters to me.  I want to make sure YOU are cared for in the best way possible.  And, I want it to show that I really do care.

So, my questions to you today are, why do we wait to be our authentic selves?  Or more importantly what are we waiting for?  Why is a hairapy session where someone is showing they really care an exception to the day to day life we live?

Many times, we wait.  We wait until someone is sick.  Really sick.  Or, until someone in their family is sick before we rally together as a community and show our authentic selves.  We wait until someone has passed before we say how much they meant to us.  Past tense.  Why my readers, why do we do this?!

This summer, a client and friend of mine who we will call Sarah found out her husband had cancer.  Sarah is an amazing woman inside and out.  She has three beautiful children and a hardworking, loving husband.  Sarah’s husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Though we don’t see each other every day, I really adore Sarah.  And, when I found out about her situation/crisis, I couldn’t rest until I did something to help her and her family.  Penny, like me, had this cute family weighing on her heart.  Together we organized a fundraiser to help with any needs they may have while Sarah’s husband went through treatment.  We were one of many.  The family was completely embraced with love and kindness from others through their time of need.  It was incredible to watch.  I have prayed for her and her family many times since the diagnosis.  The community rallied together and we were quite successful for such a small salon.

It is amazing to me how people will pull together to help a loved one or a person in the community when there is a crisis.  Why does it take something that turns another person’s world upside down for us to show our hearts to one another?  The excuse of being too busy is just that…an excuse.  Being busy means we might not have much time in our day but it doesn’t mean we can’t be kind to one another.

Now, I am not saying we should be like John Cusack in “Say Anything” and stand in front of the house of someone we love with a boombox (yea, I said it.  Do they even make those anymore?) proclaiming our love for them.  But, rather I am saying, we need to let down our guard just a little bit more and recognize no matter what we are going through personally, we are ALL going through something.  And, isn’t it a little bit easier to go through it when someone is kind to you? 

I have many days where one of my “regulars” will come in and they are dealing with the weight of their world before they come in the door.  The circumstances are always different but the feeling is the same.  They come in, sigh, and sit in the chair to get their hair washed.  I don’t take this step lightly.  Putting your hands on someone else’s head and washing their hair can be a very relaxing experience.  I make sure the water is just the right temperature and I take my time.  In those moments, I try not to talk too much (unless the client prefers conversation) and I watch as the person slowly melts into the chair.  Most times, if they let it, a peace takes over.  And, once the haircut starts, they are calmer and more relaxed.  It seems like such a small thing.  And, well, I guess it is.  But, what that small thing does is changes the environment.  It shifts that person’s energy.  They allow me to give them a more relaxing experience.  And, for alittle while, whatever troubles they have, are put aside, or talked about and they are cared for.

You may not be a hairapist, but YOU, my reader, have the power to be a game changer.  You have the ability to change the course of someone else’s mood or day.  Think about it.  When you are driving along the highway and someone cuts you off and you are ENRAGED that person just changed your commute to work a little, didn’t they?  So what if it were the opposite?  What if one little act of your authentic self was a game changer for someone else?

My first timers are overwhelmed most times.  My second timers are a little amused.  My regulars know this is who I am.  Show people who you are.  Do something kind before something “big” happens to another person you care about.  It takes one small act to allow someone to feel the kindness of the human spirit.  Somehow, it’s like the world has forgotten this.  We are more concerned with being right, or being angry or getting to where we need to be.  And, we are actually all suffering because of it.

Ellen Degeneres is one of my favorite people.  Okay, I haven’t actually met her (yet) but I love her energy.  At the end of every show, she says “Be kind to one another”.  Today, I am offering you the same advice.   And, I am also going to challenge you.  Tell someone today you love them.  You don’t have to do it in some extravagant way (the boombox), but  reach out “just because” not because of a crisis.  You never know when you might not have that opportunity again.

Believe.

Forgiveness

I had a client a few years back who we will call Jane.  Jane worked in the community and was fairly well known.  I met Jane through my oldest daughter.  She seemed polite but VERY GUARDED.  But, as only a hairapist would know, she needed MAJOR hairapy.  Now, when I meet someone, and they don’t have the best cut or color, I start looking into more than that.  I want to know this person.  I want to know what they are like socially, emotionally.  Yes people, I dig deep.  And, quite frankly, Jane had a major chip on her shoulder.  She was uptight and well, not the nicest person to sit in my chair. 

Now, some hairapists might look at Jane and think, “I CANNOT have that woman in my chair”.  I looked at Jane and thought two things: 1)  I can’t WAIT to fix her hair 2) I WILL break her down and figure out why she is the way she is!

And, so Jane started to become a regular.  A bossy regular.  She knew what she wanted and how I was to do it.  And, well, I was so taken aback, I let her run the show.  And anyone who knows me is reading this right now and saying “No. Way.”  But, it’s true.  I now had a client with ugly hair and I didn’t want anyone to know I did it.  And, on top of all of this, I had no idea how to get through to her.  Let’s just say MY plan wasn’t working out too well for me. 

A few months into the relationship, Jane and I started talking about different services and I suggested (subtly) that she try keratin (a smoothing treatment).  Her hair was out of control and I knew this would help.  The next time I saw Jane, she told me she had gone and gotten keratin at another “less expensive” salon.  From there, the relationship started on its downward spiral.  And I, being as passionate (okay, obsessive) as I am about hair, started to pull away.  I stopped trying.  And soon, Jane was emailing me for color formulas and asking if she could do her hair at home.  I could go on and on with the inappropriate behavior.  But, you get where I am going with this, right?  The woman was breaking every rule I had for myself and my business!  Color your hair at home?!  Go somewhere less expensive and I give you my color formula?  Do you want me to hand you my paycheck too?!

I spent months after ending the relationship stewing about it.  I was angry with Jane.  Why would she compromise me like this?  Why would she think her behavior was okay?  What the heck had I done to deserve this? 

And then, one day I realized, I didn’t have the energy to be angry with her anymore.  I was spending so much time fixating on her crazy wig of hair and desperately wanting to sass her up…and well, she didn’t want my help.  We weren’t on the same page.  And guess what?  I realized that’s okay.  And I forgave her.  I forgave her for being so insulting to me when sitting in my chair.  I forgave her for asking for her color formula.  I forgave her because I needed to heal and move on.  And, I realized there is a BIG difference between forgiving and forgetting.

Yes, you may be reading this and thinking “it’s just hair”!  But, is it really?  If someone is disrespectful of any part of your life or beliefs, don’t the same rules apply?  And isn’t it you who is hurting if you walk around angry all the time?

So, I am a work in progress.  I am a hairapist.  And you might be a teacher or a doctor or a lawyer or an author.  No matter what your title is, we all make mistakes.  And, we all deserve forgiveness.  Wouldn’t this world be a better place if everyone could find it in their hearts to forgive one another a little bit more and be angry a little bit less?

To all the “Janes” of my past I want to tell you, I forgive you.  And, I hope you in turn will forgive me too.

Believe.

My Truth

Penny and I rarely get time to do each other’s hair.  On that rare occasion when we do it is usually at an off hour.  We use that time to catch up on things.  It may be about client concerns, new ideas for education or rearranging and updating the salon.  And, sometimes, it gets personal.  Yesterday, it got personal.

We were talking about my blog.  And, somehow the conversation led into our past history and things we have been through in our lives.  Penny said she feels like I have lived a lifetime longer than she has and, well, she might be right.  One thing you need to know about Penny.  She is one of the sweetest and kindest, most genuine people I know.  She is a tough cookie on the outside but when she lets you in, you see how kind and compassionate she is underneath.  Penny always pays me the highest compliments.  I feel undeserving of these on so many levels.  She thinks I am some hair doing/ mom-of-four super hero.  I feel like I am a passionate wanna be super hero still searching for her cape.  I try not to let on to this, but the fact is, when the past is brought up, so is the source of all the insecurities.

I prayed when I started this blog for it to be an authentic me.  I wanted nothing to be taboo and I wanted to show who I am and hopefully, someone out there would be able to relate.  Talking to Penny made me realize, I can’t move forward until the voices of the past are quieted.  And, I have kept it in for way too long.

I was a child of privilege.  We lived in a big house and just like Penny thinks I am some superhero, my family was looked at as “that” family.  I felt my friends were envious of the house I lived in and the lifestyle I led.  As a preteen and teenager, money was no object.  But, little did they know how much I was suffering from within the walls of that house.  And, if I dare say anything, I was certain I would be looked at as both a liar and a spoiled brat.  (Well, that was what I was told I was, so why wouldn’t I believe it?)

For so many years, I thought the life I led was normal.  I was raised in a very devoutly religious home.  I thought the way things were in my home were because of the religion.  The lines for me as a child were very blurred.  Where did the strict rules of religion and the rules of our home start and end?  I had no idea.  And, I had no idea when I would be hit with vicious rants of verbal abuse for not being what I was “supposed” to be.  In my preteen and teenage years, I was called things that to this day, I have never been called by anyone else. My little sister would hide under the bed while I was brutally attacked with names like “slut” and “whore”.  It was so much more than this.  It was a mind game for me.  It was abuse, but I didn’t know it.  It was a quiet secret I have carried with me until today.  Sure I have taken moments in counseling to talk about it.  And, sometimes I have confided in my partner.  But never have I ever said the words, “I was a child who was verbally abused”.  Instead, I have let the tapes play over and over again in my head like a recording.  Sometimes the volume is turned up a little louder than others.  Sometimes, they are put on pause.  But, at times when I am feeling the weakest, it is like giant speakers at a concert are blaring right in my ears all the hurt from the past.

I have not made the best decisions in my life.  I am both a child of divorce and a mother of children who are victims of my poor choices.  I refuse to play the victim.  I made these choices based off of my knowledge of men.  I married a man the first time around just like my abuser.  I knew early on it was a situation I couldn’t stay in when the abuse became physical.  So I ran.  And I continued to run for many years.  From facing the past, facing the hurt and healing.

I was a mom who used to yell.  A lot.  I knew that was how things were handled right?  It wasn’t until a terrible altercation with my teenage daughter that I had the “aha” moment.  I was doing exactly what had been done to me.  It was so jolting to me, I was brought to my knees.  My neighbors, my husband, my ex husband all saw me “lose it”.  I was exactly what I had tried so hard not to be.  That was two and a half years ago.  I have not “lost it” since that day.  And, I vow not to ever do that again.

I believe many creative/artistic people use their talents as a way to heal.  When I am working with my clients and creating a new look, everything else melts away.  My “work” isn’t work for me.  It is a creative release.  Not only am I healing myself but I am making another look and feel better.

Through my job, I have formed some incredible relationships with my clients.  And, some of the clients I have become the closest to are the ones from the very religion I was raised in and had so many struggles with.  It isn’t until now, at 37 years old, I realize IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RELIGION.  I am so thankful for these people.  They have become some of my closest friends.  And, whether they realize it or not, they have been part of my healing process.

So, I guess my question to you is what are you running from?  And when is it finally going to be time to let it go to heal and move forward?  I hope you have an outlet like I do.  For me, it’s HAIRAPY.

Believe.

Your Crown

My job (as I see it) every day is to make women feel for just a few minutes or hours they are royalty.  I have them sit in front of a mirror while I do this and I try to convince them of all that is beautiful and wonderful about them.  And, somehow I am supposed to convince them this is all about their hair.  Really?
Now, I am not one to debate the importance of great hair.  I know how I feel with fresh color and a new cut.  Heck, I know how I feel these days if I can convince Penny to shampoo me.  It is the most amazing feeling!  Someone else is serving me for just a few minutes.  And, the feeling is one of complete relaxation.  And, most times, I feel like in that moment, I am important enough for someone to take the time to take care of ME.  Sound familiar?
I have a client whom we will call Janet.  Janet is on a quest to be the perfect blonde.  Now, I don't mean blonde like Penny.  Penny is in my opinion is an enhanced "natural" blonde.  We take her look and play up what was already meant to be there.  Her eyes sparkle a little more and her skin looks a little more porcelain with the shade of blonde we make her.  Janet, on the other hand, is trying to be the blonde she thinks she is supposed to be for her husband, for her status.  Frankly, I am not even sure she knows what she is shooting for.  I say this because Janet is naturally darker than the picture of me on my blog page.  And every four weeks, she is in my chair, pushing me to make her blonder, blonder blonder.  And, no matter how hard I try (and with the amazing products I use) that perfect Marilyn Monroe, Gwen Stefani, or whomever you want to compare her to just isn't happening in her eyes.    And, I leave the appointments questioning what more I could possibly do to help her on her journey.  The frustrating part of all of this?  It doesn't matter if I think it looks good or for her, it doesn't even matter if it is falling on the floor in broken pieces of "I told you so".  It matters that she leaves happy.  The worst part yet?  She isn't ever happy.  And, unfortunately it has nothing to do with the level of blonde.
So what is a hairapist to do with a client who doesn't listen?  It is my job as the hairdresser to try and get her to where she wants to be.  To listen to the idea she has running through her head and to try and make it happen.  It is my responsibility as her hairapist to understand this has nothing to do with her hair and everything to do with insecurities that lie much deeper than a few foils.
One of my favorite authors and spiritual leaders is Marianne Williamson.  She has been a inspiration to me since I was about 13.  I picked up a book of hers and it spoke to me.  This morning, while doing my early morning workout, I listened to one of her audiobooks.  She was talking about the power that women have and how we forget we have it.  How each one of us is walking around forgetting that we are naturally born as queens or goddesses.  And, the outside world taints this with three things:  Our past, our insecurities and pop culture.  DING DING DING!
Our past is the things we have experienced that lead us to believe that being a blonde will make us happy.  Our insecurities about our weight or our nose etc lead us to believe we "can't" have short hair or we "can't" go outside the comfort zone we have always known.  And pop culture leads us to believe if we don't look like the Kardashians or have body like a Victoria's Secret model, we aren't "enough".
If we spent more time building each other up as women instead of tearing each other down, what would the world be like?  Would Janet be more comfortable with listening to professional advice and getting caramel tones on her dark hair and gradually processing it without damage?  Would we stop worrying about the number on the scale and buy clothes that fit and be comfortable with a waste band that doesn't say size 0?  Would we be able to let down our walls of judgment toward each other and embrace each other as women?  Women who are all at different stages in our journey but don't have to journey alone.
So are you coming into the salon already wearing your crown or are you expecting someone else (me) to try and help put it on for you?  Because the sooner you realize you are already wearing that crown and I'm simply enhancing it, the more peaceful you will be.  And the more likely you are to enjoy the journey.