Deal Breakers

I went to see a mentor/friend of mine the other day.  I respect him and his opinion so much.  We started talking about deal breakers.  He said he could never be married to a smoker.  He could handle addiction, mental illness, etc but he simply couldn’t handle a smoker. 

When I have a client in my chair, and I think they need to change something in order to enhance their look, I have to choose my words very carefully.  There is a difference between respectful honesty, and a hurtful attack.  I hope I have never made the mistake of giving a client my opinion (when they have asked for it) and had it come across as anything more than my opinion, respectfully.  After all, I have no idea what this person sitting in my chair is going through.  I have no idea what their day was like before they sat down in my chair.  And, as I have mentioned before, I have no idea what baggage they carry with them from the past that I cannot see but is a part of who they are.  So, I am real and true, but not hurtful.

There will always be deal breakers in every relationship.  We may not say what they are to our friends, we may assume they are understood, but those closest to us know our Achilles heel.  Or do they?

Last night, my daughter received a call from her father.  In order for me to explain, let me give you a little history.  We met when I was 13.  He was 17.  I was smitten.  He was charismatic and charming.  And, my parents couldn’t stand him.  He was the perfect combination for the exciting start of some dramatic teenage years.  We drifted in and out of each other’s lives until we met up again at college.  I HAD to be with him.  The 13 year old in me still thought at 18 he was superman.  The dream guy.  And so started a very short term marriage two months to the day after my eighteenth birthday.  We weren’t married but maybe a year when the abuse started.  He was verbally abusive at first, then it got physical.  My deal breaker was the day we moved back to Maryland from Utah.  Our precious little girl was 4 months old and we were having a petty argument.  He picked me up and threw me down onto the carpet covered cement floor of the basement and knocked me out.  And, for me, that was the beginning of the end.

My daughter has always been the light of this man’s life.  He has treated her like a princess…until recently.  He now talks to her the same way he has talked to me for years.  As they talked last night, I was reminded of the deal breaker.  Once she got off the phone with him (in tears), I called him to “put out the fire”.  Evidently, it didn’t matter what I had to say.  He had an axe to grind.  And so I let him yell for a while and then said goodbye, never allowing my temper to get the best of me.

I decided it was time to have the conversation with my beautiful daughter about deal breakers.  After all, she is 16.  And, she needs to know now, there are certain things that are just unacceptable.  And, she has a choice and a voice as to whether she is going to allow herself to be put in a situation she doesn’t feel is healthy for her.  I didn’t say “Don’t talk to your Dad”.  I simply said “If anyone talks to you in a way that upsets you and you feel you don’t deserve, end it”.  Deal breaker.

I realize this has been a theme for me lately.  I believe my angels are trying to get me to reach deep within and figure out what my deal breakers are and respect myself enough to have boundaries.  By doing this, it doesn’t have to mean the other person is right or wrong, it simply means it doesn’t fit in with what WE have chosen for our own lives.  And, sadly, sometimes it means reevaluating relationships we hold the closest and possibly even letting them go.  Even if it is a father.  Even if it is a best friend of many years.  Even if it is your partner.  If it is the difference between being true to yourself and living a life you know isn’t what you want, it’s a deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing if you are sitting with someone blowing smoke in your face when that’s your deal breaker.  Your angels can’t sing when your father or friend is yelling at you.  It’s a deal breaker.

What is your deal breaker?  Do you have people in your life close to you who push that boundary?  How do you handle it?  In my silence the past few days, I have allowed myself the quiet reflection of looking at myself.  If I am going to be a better hairapist, mother and friend, I want to make sure I am treating others with kindness, respect and love.  And, if you are hitting my Achilles heel, knowing it is my Achilles heel, it’s a deal breaker.

So to my dear beautiful oldest daughter, I say to you, be true to yourself.  Honor the woman you are becoming.  Figure out what your deal breakers are NOW so in the future, no matter who it is, you will know to walk away from any situation that isn’t for your higher good.  This life is meant to be one of happiness and peace.  If it is me or your father or anyone else who doesn’t respect that, tell them.  If the behavior doesn’t change, love yourself enough to distance yourself from those who are toxic.  Sometimes being you means being you alone.  And you don’t need others approval to know this.  Just chalk it up to a deal breaker.  And believe.