The Darkest Time

I remember my first love like it was yesterday.  He was adorable.  A summer crush really.  But, it lasted several summers.  I also remember when he broke my heart.  I thought I would never recover.  And, here I sit somehow having made it through.

Then there was Titanic.  I remember sitting in the theater unable to move when it was over with the thought “I will never get over this movie”.  It seems laughable now but at the time, it was earth shattering to me.

When my parents divorced, though I was 22 and had a child of my own, I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.  I wondered if life would ever be the same.  It hasn’t been the same, but somehow, it has continued to move forward.

I remember as if it was last week the birth of each one of my amazing children.  Those four days were the most incredible, spiritual experiences I will ever have in my life.  I also remember the day my second oldest was fighting for his life on full ventilator support.  I wondered if I would ever be able to breathe again if I lost my son.  And somehow, I am still here. (With a stong 12 year old I might add). 

I committed to you dear reader, to share the good the bad and the ugly.  I wanted this blog to be authentic.  I wanted you to see “me”.  Not the me with makeup and hair done, but the inner me.  And, as we all walk around with our masks on, there is so much more underneath.

Tomorrow I embark on the next chapter of my life.  And, like pain I have felt in the past, it will be painful.  And unlike a shot at the doctor’s office, it won’t be over in a second.  It will take months…years to bounce back.  But, some things are not meant to be forever.  And well, playing the blame game just doesn’t seem worth it.  It takes two people to end a relationship.  Two people who for whatever reason can’t work through the “yuck” life puts in our way.  It doesn’t mean the world is ending.  It simply means it is time for a change.

I know the person I made forever commitments to is still a person I will have in my life forever.  I hope at some point when we get past the hurt and anger, we can reach a point of forgiveness.  I hope for the sake of everyone involved there will be the recognition there are three sides to every story.  And, lashing out only hurts the littlest people involved.

If you my dear reader have ever been through something tough like I am describing, there are always two choices.  One, stay and make it work.  Two, try and make it work and if it doesn’t, move on.  We have made the choice to close this chapter and start a new one.

Why am I putting all of this “out there” do you ask?  Because I want YOU to know, you are not alone.  And, I want you to know, it is okay to say “this isn’t working”.  We each have to follow our own inner voice.  We each deserve to live our truth and to hear our angels singing.

I know I was meant to be here to help other people.  Unfortunately, I did not know the hurt I would experience in the process.  But I remember a childhood movie “The Sword in the Stone”.  A great little song “For every high there is a low, for every to there is a fro.  To and fro. Stop and go.  That’s what makes the world go round”…it is time to keep on moving ahead.  This might be one of my lows, but I have faith in the angels, I will reach a high again.

As I go through life’s hardest struggles, my chatty self becomes one of quiet reflection.  I contemplated all night whether or not to post.  But, if I am going to be authentic, it needs to be in the good and the bad.  I can’t be worried about “everyone” and their opinion.  Too many times, we worry about “everyone”…who is “everyone” really?  We make this idea up in our head that the whole world is judging us based on our own personal journey.  There will be more than a small few who will judge.  But remember my friend, they aren’t walking in your shoes.  They aren’t walking in mine.  And the only one in the mirror at the end of the day is you.

My bags are packed.  The keys are in hand.  And the hope for peace is there.  Never lose hope.  There will always be a bright spot at the end of the tunnel.  Some tunnels are just a little longer than others.

And, if the tunnel is that dark, make sure you bring your lantern.  Thank the heavens above the angels keeps singing even in the darkest of times.

Believe.